METAMORPHOSIS

My Ina and process engineering

2012-01-06T15:38:00.001+08:00

I am a kampung girl, with paddy planters feet, I grew up in the kampung but learned a lot of process engineering from my Ina. Process engineering is one of the career options of a chemical engineering graduate. It deals with making raw materials reach it's customers in the product form that it is required. The raw materials can be fossil fuel, biomass, oleochemicals, minerals etc. The products can be in the form of chips, electrical gadgets, food, pharmaceuticals, nutraceuticals, fuel etc.

As a kid I used to read a lot and there is three words that I came across which reverberated through my life. It was, "making rocket fuel". Thirty years ago, I used to be cared for by my grandmother who I lovingly know as "Ina". Part of the fun activities were feeding the farm animals, making "nonsoom" (fermented food) of either fruits, fish or meat, as well as my favorite, making rocket fuel. Back then I did not know that I was helping my grandmother turn biomass into rocket fuel. I thought, I was just helping out in doing house chores.

My Ina was very organized with her rocket fuel making procedure, firstly the glutinous rice was cooked and laid out to cool on an open flat area. Care must be taken not to contaminate the biomass hence no running around for me. I was happy doing it cos I got to eat the yummy leftovers of glutinous rice with sugar. Next the cooled biomass is mixed with the innoculum, an ingredient locally called "sasad". Following that, the inoculated biomass was fed into a reactor, which usually was a "tajau" and further care was taken to keep any air pockets from being trapped in the biomass to keep contamination to a minimum. Then she would put a piece of charcoal and a parang on top of the reactor. Which I later on realized kept the air around the mouth of the reactor clean. After two weeks, she would open it up and check if it was suitable for either direct consumption as a nutritious drink or to be made into rocket fuel. If it was good enough to be harvested then careful solid liquid separation was conducted using a net or a homemade sieve and proper sterile drink packaging in recycled glass bottles were conducted.

If the biomass was more suitable for rocket fuel, further processing was to be conducted. This process was distillation, which is actually cooking the biomass and with a cooling pan placed at the top of the tall thin cooker to catch the condensate. The cooker is covered by a large wok filled with cool water. It was my job to keep replacing the water if it got too hot and making sure the firewood kept burning at the right rate. My Ina would be upset when I got the fire too big. It caused the biomass to be burned and reduce product quality. Both these products were sold to the neighbors and community. This was one of her many life long income generating activities as she lost her husband when my mother was only ten. It helped her raise seven kids on her own in he mid 1900s.

Being an avid reader, it made me dream of a better life for myself. I imagined myself traveling the world and observing cultures other than my own. Yet this was not possible as I was from very humble origins. The money to support this dream had to come from somewhere. So with the skills I unconsciously acquired from my Ina, I began planning my future. I drew up a route to success which included getting a scholarship to study. To be eligible for that I needed to be very intelligent and very active in school activities as well as show leadership. I worked hard at all three. Yet I knew that was not enough to get a scholarship, I knew I needed to pick an area of which the government of Malaysia would need for nation building.

Hence I chose electrical engineering, because that was the toughest engineering field of study that I knew then. However my mind changed after talking to a good friend. She told me I should read more about the field and maybe look up chemical engineering. As soon as she said that I was in the Penampang library looking up the field in every encyclopedia. It would be easier nowadays with Google. What I realized then changed my life forever. I was trained as a kid to make products, I was used to making processes work best to increase product quality. Then I knew this was the field of engineering for me.

My path to getting a chemical engineering honors degree was challenging but rewarding. There was one point in which I almost did not make it. But perseverance , supportive classmates and prayers helped me through. I got my degree in 1999. I returned in high hopes of working in a highflying job and earning a lot of money. But in those days, jobs for chemical engineers were only abundant in Peninsula Malaysia and Sarawak. I got a job as a salesperson instead. I was not disheartened, my application to be a tutor in UMS was approved and I jumped at the offer of becoming a tutor which would mean that, I would be sent off to do a Masters. I was very grateful for the opportunity to do a Masters, for I loved knowledge. Who knew then that, I would go on to do a PhD and return to Sabah with a lot more than I planned for.

In reflection of the pass and present, I am at the peak of my career, I am doing what I love most hence I do not feel like I am working most of the time and plus I earn enough to be level with my peers. Can it get any better? Yes, I have a lot of ideas and proper planning in developing these ideas into products are in progress. I believe I am helping people in improving their lives and giving alternative energy choices to the community. I am also helping in my little way in building a great 1Malaysia. My Ina, the original process engineer, you inspired me and you taught me so many lessons which I still use up to today. Sadly she left us on the 2nd October, 2011, this was written as a tribute to her.
The End.

This article is the longer version of an article I submitted to My Engineering Story Competition held by IEM Sabah. I posted this up in hopes of inspiring young minds to think big... Happy New Year 2012.

change is constant

2011-07-20T20:24:00.003+08:00

I like the title of my blog. It just wraps up life so well. Everything constantly changes. Everyone grows. It is amazing.. The wonderful thing that I have realized is that when you feel down, it means one day you will be happy. If you are happy.. no one knows it will turn bad or worst or better. But that is life. It changes. Hence you have to change with it. Otherwise you get blocked or frozen..

I love life.. I love the way it changes.. because something nice just happened and I feel sooo very happy..

The epitome of perfect love

2011-06-30T08:58:00.003+08:00

Tulip (Author unknown, by me at least)

If I was a Tulip
And you were wind’s-wings,
I would not count
My broken dreams,
But bless the coming spring.

I would let you see me
In colors-
Pink, yellow and red.
You’d find me blooming
By the riverbed

Or, down in the valley
By the little creek,
To make proud
The water falls,
To make you feel meek.

But strong winds
Of late May
Again could make me weak.
My petals scattered
On the ground
And gone in a week.

But I will come again
To let you see…
Life is but a circle,
I will bloom
Again next spring:
Isn’t it a miracle?

I would be happy
To know that you would
Touch my face
When the sun sets in.
I would feel you in full force,
Gently from within.

You would come to me
Each day-
Again to disappear,
But when the sun’s-rays
Touch at noon-
Again I would feel you near.

A new day, a new plan, a new destiny

2011-06-29T09:02:00.002+08:00

Two years ago, I was in depression. Life could not be worst. Was I so evil that my marriage was my hell? Today that is all over. Thank You God. The perpetrator to my hell experience finally said sorry. I did not need to hear it from him because I was already at peace. Yet it was very good to hear it even if he did not mean it. I knew he would be sorry. It was just a matter of time. Life is a great Teacher that is what I would say.

Today, I am a successful career woman with financial problems and worries about raising my kids as a single mother. :) The way I see it, it is just sweet life. Nothing could be better than this. I can smile freely each day and receive the hardships and beauty that comes my way. Nice...

Next stage, planning for the future. I am not sure if I can achieve it but the actions of today determines the fruits of tomorrow. Think, communicate and do. That is the Motto of this year.

From my work of yesterday, I have a large reserve of papers and proposals. It was hard to get here but worth it. The next stage is to completely polish each to sterling silver brightness. Following that publish publish publish, talk talk talk and then do do do. The cycle will go on for me for the next 3-5 years but I am not scared or worried. That is how this life goes.

Meanwhile my kids will be okay, I will ensure that I will be home to read them books and continue working to sleep by the 11th hour each night. And in the weekends a choice of music classes, swimming lessons, karate sessions etc.

It is funny how just a month ago, I was upside down worrying about my finances when in fact. I have already ticked off each item on the checklist that should be done to be secure. Hmmmm I am an over achiever hence no wonder I over stress. I may not be in the lap of luxury and I will need to downgrade my expenditures and be more economical to survive, but all in all I am just alright.

So my destiny is in my own hands for I am the architect of my future, the navigator of my ship and the engineer to progress. I love life...

Walking on the wild side with God

2011-05-10T16:43:00.003+08:00

I read a blog with the above title. I love it. :) made me smile and made me peaceful. I know it is really embarrassing to be caught being Catholic, God-fearing plus having a lot of faults and sins. It is really embarrassing to looked at because you said Grace before a meal. I am shy to be caught praying.

I have to admit that I love my God. I love the way I pray. I love the way He had watched over me all these years. I have walked far away from Him and I have walked closer to Him. I found that when I walked far away from Him.. I "thought" I was ok. I thought I was at peace and I was happy. I thought I was doing good and then when the shit hit the fan for me several times I cry and scientifically do the mental housecleaning. However I never went through a spiritual house cleaning. Why? Because I believed I was ok.

Next would be a contradiction to the above. Now that I am closer (not very very close okay)just closer than before. I feel soo many evil things are happening around me, to me and to my family. I can see it and I have visions which scares me. I feel sooooooo overwhelmed. Why is this happening to me? Why am I seeing destruction and war? (this is figuratively speaking, I know there is a war and I know the papers have articles on destruction). But why with the closer I get the scarier things get. I do not know, what I know is that I beg all to pray for me. I myself will keep praying for myself and my family. This life is borrowed. We are only here for a moment. I plan to make that moment lovely and full with good things.

I also pray for a good friend's soul to be resting in Peace and blessing us from heaven.

My Baby and delayed speech

2010-09-08T18:34:00.002+08:00

been worried for 1.5 years now..

My Baby at 0 - 6 months.. normal development.. 6-12 months.. i noticed he did not respond to people's names or say for instance Mama.. but he could make scary noises and he knew that.. 12-18 months.. still no changes.. no words.. not recognizable sounds.. 18-24 on a blue moon he will repeat exactly what i said.. but more often than not he would use head nodding, head shaking, hand gestures.. :(..... sounds like i really need a speech-language pathologist

I read further on Delayed Speech/Language development.. and it is possible it can be due to Fafa's ear infection. However I REALLY NEED A speech-language pathologist...

ok i found out about my Baby's ear.. he has an Eustachian tube dysfunction (ETD) the passage connected the nasal passage to the middle of the ear got infected. It can be caused by; 1) Colds and other nose, sinus, ear or throat infections, 2) Glue Ear, 3) allergies and 4) blockages.

The doc actually listed all of the above as a probable cause.. usually the ETD would go away on its own.. however with Fafa's case.. it did not.. and an ear tube surgery (like today) was performed.. He reported there was thick mucus and the ear needs drainage.. so from my reading today. The ENT doc was spot on.. I have to hope that the mucus drains quickly.

I repeat I REALLY NEED A speech-language pathologist... the ENT told me he had to be 5 years old for him to do it. I can not wait that long..

Everyone tells me it is okay. I do not think so.. I am the Mother and I know how he should be developing. I will be patient but not inactive. Hopefully I find an answer soon.

Plug on

2010-09-06T01:04:00.002+08:00

When life is routine..
Plug on

when life is boring..
Plug on

When life is too hard..
Plug on

When life is too good to end.. OOH I can name so many that I did not want to end..
Plug on

When life is crazy turbulent..
Plug on

When life is challenging
Plug on

When life is peaceful
Plug on

and then as you plug on.. u see a trail-blaized trail.. hahhaha THAT WAS ALL ME!

The Sigh of a Lifetime..

2010-07-13T10:16:00.002+08:00

When you try to focus and things distract,
When you try to not feel sad but you find it hard to be happy,
When you try to forgive but you can not,
When you miss someone and they are not ready.

A sigh comes and eases all the fever,
A prayer is uttered and guidance clears the clutter,
A smile comes and new strength takes over,
Then you conquer a challenge and is stronger.

New beginnings to all Pre U freshers

2010-06-08T17:50:00.002+08:00

I have a cousin who said, "Hi kak. U knw ka tdk bgus this our lect,Mcm2 teda2 oo the prof madya di title dorg".

Hmmm I thought and thought.. it is true.. very true.. some are bad lecturers.. or can you actually say they are bad lecturers?

I replied her,"i know how u feel.. not long ago like 15 years ago.. i was in ur position.. sia kutuk kutuk juga lecturer saya.. but u know what.. now i am a lecturer.. i can see both sides.. u know my problem as a lecturer? the students want me to give them all the answers.. no one thinks.. no one wants to give their own answer.. no one wants to exercise their brain power.. macam sia lecture tu dinding ja.. very sedih and demoralising for us.. u know to lecture a wall.. i have to psyche myself up to be enthusiastic.. but then i see the students who are not even interested in learning... it is difficult.. at tertiary education level u are not only expected to give definitions but u are suppose to learn how to synthesize new information from basic fundamentals..

so when u feel like kutuking the lecturer.. try asking yourself if in 10 years time you can teach a pre U student how to think.

durang ni bukan cikgu di school lagi.. sometimes u need to show ur interest u know.. u urself need to be involved.."

this is from a frustrated lecturer..

My two cents

2010-05-04T13:52:00.002+08:00

There are two types of people who succeed in life, one who never gives up and one who never failed. The first one always wins but the second one will give up after his first failure.
This one I claim as my own quote. The others swimming in my head are:

Never quit.
If you think you have lost, you have.
Strive and strive again.
Plug on. ~Andy Lydiatt~
Perservere ~JM~
Bersusah-susah dahulu, bersenang-senang kemudian.
Listen to your teacher, ~mummy~

When you get nervous for a presentation Doc Eeevil told me to remember there are three types of people in the crowd
1) the ones who genuinely wants to know more
2) the ones who wants to guide you to a bigger idea
3) the ones who want to make you look bad.

My personal principle, keep your manners and be kind and assertive when answering to all three types, you can not go wrong.

Purpose

2010-04-22T09:46:00.002+08:00

Sigh, rushing about life seems nice sometimes but confusing and stressful. One gets lost in an avalanche of activities to achieve a purpose. But what is the purpose?

ha ha ha.. I worry too much.. at the end of the day.. I think I just make my own problems. If I look from the outside.. what I am doing now is actually on the right path. Yes it is slow but it is on a path. Aaah I should just chill and be a happy me.. I should have a lovely weekend.. I always aimed to help people I love, to help the community around me.. to be of service.. I am already there.. Moonriver.. Happy weekend everyone..

Epiphanies

2010-03-26T18:23:00.002+08:00

I just wanted to note down that things are changing for me now.. So much change.. but I am sad and happy at the same time. Sad to have to accept that the change will change soooo much relationships around me.. Happy because I need this change.. and welcome it. It means I move forward in life and achieve what I never dreamed of achieving.

I had been praying a lot for this for a long long time. The angels and saints works are finally obvious to me. Thank you and Thank you God. My path is clear and I know it will only be up from here. However I would like to take a pause to say goodbye to what I knew, to say sorry that I am changing to people I know who will be affected. I always loved you all, I will always love you all, however I can not promise I will be the same person after this journey.

Does this experience strike a note? I am sure it has happen to many. Hopefully this new live is ready for a crazier, more creative, funnier and happier Rogue. I am what I am, worked hard at it. I never let myself down. I never disappointed myself. I have achieved all my ambitions and more. I am yet to achieve the ultimate impossible thing to do for a little girl from Kampung. :) go for a walk on the moon.

My Kiddo part 3

2010-03-17T11:20:00.002+08:00

He said he was hungry at 11.30 pm.

I said do you want milo? He answered,"no I am full, I am hungry"..

@#$@#$%@#$ yeah he is starting to be contradicting. So I explain that he can not be hungry and not hungry at the same time. Then he explained to me he is hungry for cookies..

So cookies and milk for my hungry kiddo at 11.40 pm..

Returned, revived and recharged

2010-02-23T14:59:00.002+08:00

The good thing about having a holiday is you just get to unwind and have the most fun you could have..

The minus of a holiday is the end of the holiday when you have to drag yourself back to work. LOL...

Well that is life.. My first holiday in 4 years was great. mmmmm..

Congrats to Mr and Mrs G. You guys are great and I am sooo honored with the invite.. No words can explain how happy I am for both of you.

To top that off the wedding was in Vietnam.. just beautiful..

anyhoo back to work..

Need to get the Finals done before the end of this week.. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeks

Valentine's

2010-02-12T16:38:00.002+08:00

Today my first love surprised me with a Valentine's card. It filled my heart almost to popping. I love you My Kiddo. You make me weak and you make me strong. You make me cry and you make me laugh. You make me angry and you tell me to show a happy face..

When I was a teenager, I was a downright Geek.. You were always right Doctor EEEEvil.. I was a Geek. I did not get any flowers, no chocolates or cards on Valentine's day.. This is sooo bloody sad to admit.. hahahha..

Then I went to college and in the world of Geeks.. I became the cool girl. So I had flowers, chocolates, teddy bears and valentine's card. On top of dinner and a movie.. I was spoilt. Thanks ex-bfs for that chance.. hahahhaha..

Then came University. AAAAAaaaah I had soo much anonymous admirers. That was fun guessing. SIGH!

Now that I am all grown up and bloomed into.. AHEM.. DOC ROGUE.. The shody-cute simplest pink card with a crayon coloured heart and mozaic angpow tiles makes me feel like a MILLION DOLLARS aaaaaaaaah.. I LOVE because I LOVE.. but it can not be replaced by being loved by My Kiddo.

Happy Valentine's day everyone. Do everything with love and love comes back to you.

What hurts us

2010-02-12T16:27:00.003+08:00

But does not kill us makes us stronger....

It hurt me a long time ago. It hurt me again. Then again.. I thought I would not survive but I did. Looking back. I see a strong little girl, trying very hard to make it in life. Feeling alone and scared but always smiling and acting brave. Poor little girl, come let me take care of you, let me hug you and hold you and keep you safe. Nothing in this world can ever hurt you like that, as long as I am around. Be happy, run and dance and laugh your heart out. There is a life to be lived and not in misery but in joy.

Things happen for a reason. There is always a reason. Look on the silver lining and you will be okay.

Plus a few things to watch out for:
1) Do not forget what was done to us that hurt us. If we allow this to repeat, we are not learning our life lessons well enough.
2) Do not pity the liars and the cheats.
3) Do not lose the ones that stood by you.
4) Save money...

LOL... okay enough of being serious. I still have not finished the book from Prof Material. I am rereading sections which I really want to learn. Maybe on my Saigon trip I will be able to finish it and start on the second book he gave me. Life got so busy. I want to take a pitstop.

Peace and happiness at last

2010-01-19T16:58:00.002+08:00

Ask me how I am and I will answer you I am happy. I feel light and in control of my life. I never thought a book will actually be able to make me happy. But this is it.

Read David Allen's Getting Things Done for a Better and Stress-Free Life! that is what it says and I am stress free at the moment. Yahooo.. I pray that this will last.

I have been asking my friend Prof Material for this book for donkey years. I decided I could not wait for it to start reorganizing my office. I started off in the first week of the new year. I blocked out everything to sort out my filing system and Tasks list (took me a week). Slow but sooo very needed. Then Prof Material passed the book to me. Great I started everything almost according to his advice. Then the next stage is the interesting one. It was on how to actually maintain the order and organization of work. I can't wait to read up on the next step after that. It feels good to have one's life in order.

Apart from that I am enjoying sending and picking up my Kiddo from his playschool. He only cried twice in three weeks. I think that was because I sent him early to school and none of his friends were there.. He made friends very quickly. He wakes up sometimes in a bad mood but most times he is fine. He eats breakfast with a lot of nudging from his Nanny. Pretty exciting life for me.. I love it.. Thank You God for a lovely kid.

My Baby is all grown up.. I brought him for a haircut in the style of Avatar ala Mohican. Imagine getting extreme reactions from everyone. Some liked it some really were shocked and were upset that Baby got his hair cut in that way. Another man came up to me and complimented his hair style.. LOL.. this world is so funny like that.. Baby is sooo complicated. He is very happy go lucky kid BUT... yes this world ain't perfect. He hits his head black and blue on the floor when he does not get his way. He does not listen to anything I say. So he has gotten himself hurt several times. The problem is I think he has one brain cell missing, the one that links anything to pain. I say it is severely missing in this kid. However I found out that if he starts hitting his head on the wall or floor, I should leave and he stops. Oh my Baby I love you but you send terror in my heart.

Anyhoo.. I am living a life I have been dreaming of. I am in working parental bliss...

Quote of the day Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
Got that from reading Coffee News at the Mackidees.

The Lotus Flower

2010-01-03T23:36:00.001+08:00

"To the beginning of a new beautifull life. May it be as beautiful as the lovely lotus flower which is able to blossom gracefully despite the murky waters!"

Although it is Egyptian, Hindu and Buddhist believe.. I still see that Our One God created everything on this Earth we live in and the lotus flower is just beautiful and strong.

Happy New Year.. May your new year be like the Lotus flower reaching the top of the pond to bloom into all its beauty and make people around you smile.

Bah HumBug?

2009-12-06T23:28:00.002+08:00

Tis the season so be jolly...

Goes the song.. but usually people end up getting depress and sad about this season. I thought being in a warm country would chase those blues away.. I remember being in England and hating the cold.. the winter.. the gray skies.. ugh.. Blaming everything on the weather.. hahahah

But I find myself struggling to smile and cheer myself up.. why? I do not know.. Looking around I think almost everyone goes through this. Again I ask why?

Do we all expect the season to suddenly cheer us?
Do we expect someone special to remember us but end up being disappointed?
Do we expect everyone to be nicer?
Did Ebenezer Scrooge have the right attitude towards Christmas?

Hmmm sad that expectations gets the better of us. Even when we try to remind ourselves not to expect too much.. it gets us.. I was with my sisters and parents.. and all of them had this extra energy and talking very very loudly.. that is normal for them.. hahaha but I can feel the expectations..

My depression did subside tho.. due to a little help from a good friend.. and also seeing my family.. warms my heart that they are dependable in being themselves.. haaha love them..

Lower expectations and surprises.. that is what subsided the depressing.. Sigh.. Thank you Lord for the people who love me..

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

2009-11-28T20:36:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was a wonderful day. My Kiddo had a wonderful birthday with his cousins and girlfriend. hahah not a girlfriend at 3 years old per Se but a friend's daughter.

Sigh.. I can smile and I survived. It is six months now.. and we are still living. Thank you God for watching me and my family.

Today I am working as I have to meet a deadline. I miss my kids but it is going to be like this for the rest of their lives and my life. There will be times I can spend all day with them and days that they do not see me at all.

Tomorrow I know I will have them to myself all day long. So I hope it will be good.
In the future I hope to be a better mother to them. I hope that they will have a bright future and have a lot of laughs along the way.

Peace to the World.

I love you all around the world..

2009-11-26T23:44:00.005+08:00

My dear Kiddo

Congratulations for reaching the very first milestone of your life..
Happy 3rd Birthday. I hope you have many more and maybe one day I will be able to dance with you on your wedding day.. hmmmm would that not be the best..

I hope you grow to be a wonderful, dependable and caring man one day.

The biggest challenge

2009-11-17T10:42:00.002+08:00

The challenges I had in my life were numerous.

I come from a very average family. We had food on the table. We had the hand me down clothes. To aspire for a change in life meant I needed to work harder than I ever did.
So I did.
I worked hard at school for 5 years to get myself eligible for a scholarship.
I faced failure after failure to get a decent grade to be able to continue for a degree.
I worked hard to get my postgraduate scholarships.
Went through so much downs and still I stood up again to just finish what I started.

I stand here now thinking if I did all that why is it so hard to do this one thing.

To forgive the unforgivable. My insides are all in pain. I want to set myself free. I want to forgive. I want to move on.

Lord God in all my travels and adventure I never stopped talking to you. Today more than any other time I implore you to help me forgive.

Being a Mummy

2009-10-07T23:07:00.003+08:00

As I was growing up I always thought I would make my children call me Mama. Why? Because it is Posh don't u know (with an Posh English accent). Ya right. I settled for Mummy instead. It is sweet, simple and it melts my heart everytime.

Being a Mother is soo much fun but it is also filled with responsibilities. I can not remember the day I stopped worrying for even a second about my babies.. (they are now toddlers but they will always be my babies) I can not stop thinking and rethinking decisions. I have been asking around and thinking of My Kiddo's schooling since he was born.

Today I decided something very life changing. I will give up the branded things, the clothes, the expensive facial care line, the luxurious lifestyle and the dream home.. this will be all for my babies.. Instead I will give them the best schooling I can give them, the best food, clothe them well and the best Mami they can ever have... My heart is strong.. my heart is great.. and it is all for my babies and I offer them to the Lord God.

In the hope that they become pious, good, useful, responsible, learned citizens in the future.

A wonderful day!

2009-09-18T14:44:00.001+08:00

Today My Baby is a year and a month old.

He has started drinking formula milk again. Yahoooooooooo!.. I do not know if any mothers out there would be happy to wake up twice in the middle of the night and wee hours of the morn to make 8 ounces of milk for their son instead of just breastfeeding... but I was.. I would do it everyday if he wanted it.. compared to endless night feeding which did not satisfy his hunger.. two feeding in less than 2 secs each.. he is such a big eater.. I can't help it.. he is the most wonderful baby.. Love you baby.. forever.. aah.. no more worries from me.. and I will so miss breastfeeding you.. those round big eyes looking at me.. your smile peeking cheekily.. hmmm.. Love you soo much.. I will never forget that.. so mixed is this feeling...

And My Kiddo.. you have grown sooo much already.. sooo sweet your smiles.. sooo gentle your ways.. sigh..

I have made the right decision.. I am well..

I hold keys

2009-06-26T21:58:00.003+08:00

In my palms
I hold keys
In my arms
I hold my peace

In my heart of hearts
I hold my prayers
In my thoughts
So full of layers

I was told, once
I am the navigator of my ship
My heart dense
with fear holding a grip

I persevere for I know there
will be more of this ease
the day it was fair
and I felt some peace

Resolve

2009-06-20T02:10:00.001+08:00

Open my eyes
Crumbling walls and columns
The structure were recent
And the colours were decent

What happened here?
I shall sit and ponder
If my sons permit me this moment
I shall sit through this torment
Freeing drops of crystals
To heal the wounded hearts

When all the spent strength
When all the time spent
When all the fights went
It was not enough for that
Wounded heart

Fruits of my womb
Do not leave me numb
Lift this spirit of mine
A new tomorrow for thine

Feeling like jello

2009-06-17T10:31:00.002+08:00

It is a tender morning. Today is week 3 of my survival count-up. I was okay in the pass few days. What happened this morning? I do not know. I just feel very tender, panicky, scared, worried and sad. All these emotions for me and my children.

I pray to God for strength and calmness.

I need to release this control I have over this issue. I need to surrender to God, his Angels and Saints. They are all around me and they remind me so often that they appreciate my struggle and I need to let them help.

I need to appreciate myself. I have done some wrong things and some right things. But I can not be harsh on myself for the wrong things I do. I need to focus on the right things. I am on the right path. I want to have faith.

I am progressing steadily. I am moving forward. My proposal and my side income projects are there and I am working towards them.

I need to stop worrying. Worrying is like a magnet for negative things to happen to me and my family. I need to focus on the positives in my life.

3 weeks, I have done well.

I need to sing that "I feel pretty" song again. :)

Metamorphosis

2009-06-10T02:46:00.003+08:00

Today is two weeks.. Two weeks of what? I let you guess.

It is just sufficient to state that. I never thought I would have to do this. Make such changes in my life and my children's life. I have no choice.

In my mind's eye, I never imagined this picture. How can I live?...

I tell you what. I do it day to day, week by week, fortnightly by forthnightly.... soon it will be year by year and decades by decades.. By that time, I probably be glad I did this.

Pain and time. Time helps heal all pain. I hope that is true. The pain is unimaginable. The pain is great. I pray for peace and calmness in my soul, Joy and Happiness for my kids.

I can do this... I can take this role. I can metamorph into this... just give me time... I have to picture this clear in my head. I have to make this picture strong that I succeed and I triumph over adversity.

God give me the strength to change what I can change, give me patience, guidance, protection and love.

A headache to rule the world

2009-05-28T14:53:00.002+08:00

This morning I woke up with the most massively splitting headache.

I have not had migraines for a long time. Sigh.. A sign of growing old or stress. I just need to sleep this off...

Met Lina and Siti for lunch. It was fun gurls. I hope we do that more often.

Busy busy busy.. soon the PTK will be upon us. Sigh again. I thought I would do it next year. Nevermind. The assignment is giving me a headache. At least there are no written exams this time.. I save my gut nerves.

Happy day..

2009-04-23T16:15:00.000+08:00

It is funny.. the feeling when your son says "Mami shee shee" for the first time. Finally he knows how to tell me he wants the toilet. I am so happy.

Hopefully he will be toilet trained soon. Hoping to save a lot of disposable nappies.

Too busy..

2009-04-23T05:06:00.002+08:00

Short and sweet today.

My taxes are up.

The thesis report is due.

My 269 exam papers need marking. Ugh.

My proposals are due very very soon.

Sigh.. my poor babies.. they are gonna miss me.

Forecast for this weekend. Mummy will be working and playing futsal, hoping that my kids would forgive me. Promised My Kiddo to bring him out in the weekend. Maybe I still could if I manage my time right. Sigh again.. I am MCing for the event on Friday. Sigh again and again.

Amazing one week.

2009-04-18T15:44:00.006+08:00

Went to Tempurung on Monday and came back on Tuesday. We made some sand castle which got destroyed as soon as I put up the one tower of sand from plastic containers. I gave up. Tried to have a splish splash with My Kiddo in the sea but it was like full of Jellyfish. Uwaaaaaaaaa... LOL so much for my dream holiday. But guess how hardcore I was... with My kiddo safely in his longswimsuit, I got him to dive some huge waves.. (it was huge for a kiddo okay?) So in the end it was not all lost. I had a lot of peaceful sleep and fun playing with my kids on the sand. My lil baby's first time on the sand and he did not like it much. Some sand got into his mouth but I was chilled and let go of my freaky keep things clean nature.

FYI My lil baby finally stood hands free for about 3 seconds on the bed. hmmm growing so fast My Rough n Tough boy.

Next day did some banking and then went out Wednesday night. LOL I got totally sloshed with my Shoe string budget sis. It was like old times when we had no money and not much wisdom. ROFL. Terribly drunk on Edgar's ladies night free flow of Vodka Lime. My ultimate weakness. Hahaha it was reminiscence of the teenage years when I use to sneak a glass of vodka lime from my Dad's stash. (I love my parents LOL). I was sick the whole night. Getting to sleep was difficult. I was glad I asked MOH to drop and pick us up at the Pub. Otherwise I could not imagine myself behind those wheels. Well I paid him back by bringing him out last night and driving him home.

Thursday was a day of recuperation for me but I still managed to send SSB sis to work, have breakfast and visit the exhibition in my School. Even visited each and everyone of the stands. I am quite proud of them. They were all very clever.

By Friday I brought both My Kiddo and Mr rough and tough to the clinic. The eldest is now 2 years and 5 months old and is 95 cm (wow almost a meter) and is 14.4 kg. My youngest is 8 months, 68 cm and 8.4 kg. They grow so fast. Later went with my sis to see journalist friend who has a 3 month old baby. Very cute baby and the baby had a very cute elder sis who can scream the house down. hahah My Kiddo had fun playing with the girls. To see him laugh and smile so much makes me happy.

This is the first time since I got back from my studies that I took a totally guilt free holiday and it was good. I am now in my home resting because I had a week full of fun.

So that is it. Come this morning I was up and finally decided to start doing some work. Finally finished reading that Thesis. It was good. Now I gotta go write a report for it.

A1-1-3 is online

2009-04-08T23:47:00.002+08:00

Yep. I gave in. After living here for about 2 years. I finally fixed my landline and internet.

It is becoming a proper home.. LOL.

Industrial visit to Kinarut Beach Cheese

2009-04-07T15:49:00.003+08:00

When I was first leaving the UK to come back to Malaysia. I unhappily said goodbye to my favorite Camembert cheese and Brie.

Guess what I married a man whose cousin makes the cheese in Kinarut Beach Cheese (Yahoo.. jumping up and down like a crazy loon). She works for a lovely Australian lady (Shelley Blew). I really thought then that God is really watching out for me. LOL. I started loving Camembert only after a French friend introduced it to me. Her name is Berengere and she is a lovely sweet girl who always brought French food back for me (I also miss Foie Gras, pronounced "fua graa", i.e. goose liver hoping someone produces this locally). Initially when Berengere gave it to me I went. Huh? what is this? ugh it smells. After a few more times. I started making my tomato and Camembert/Brie sandwiches for lunch. Then I got stuck on it. Love the taste. It is like soft gooey cheese and it melts in your mouth. Hmmmm... should have tapaued some home.

The cheese factory is within the "Langkah Syabas" (direct translation is step good) compound. The process is very well set up and hygiene is in the top list. I found others blogging about this. Check out the rest of the details http://azeanmark.blogspot.com/2009/03/made-in-sabah-cheeseyupcheessee.html
http://scooponlayne.blogspot.com/2008/07/cheese-made-locally-in-sabah.html

If you want some Sabahan cheese directly from the factory you can call 006 088752111. The beach resort is in Kg Laut 3.5 km from Lok Kawi. Otherwise you can get the cheese products from Giant, Chua Kah Seng, Merdeka supermarket or Tong Hing.

For your information they get their milk from Desa's friesian cow farm. The farm is in Mesilau (near Ranau, foot of Mount Kinabalu). Their process is highly hygienic. I should know, I am a Chemical Engineer. Their market is expanding to KL and Brunei. According to Shelley she is busy with the HACCP for the product to enable them to export this product. Yeah to that.

This a photo of Me, My Kiddo, Shelley, Judith and my students just in front of the small factory.

What a Happy Happy News!

2009-04-01T09:12:00.002+08:00

Guess what.. I looked at the ticket I bought two days ago in Donggongon and then today.. I won the LOTTERY RM1,000,000.00.

Yahoo. Hmm this is so exciting. What can I spend the money on?.. Wooo hooo..

Any suggestions?

I will pay off all my bloody credit card bills and CUT them all up!

I will buy my mom a diamond ring!

I will put up a trust fund for my kids.

I will have another kid.. HAHAHAHAH

I will pay off my car.

I will pay off my student loans.

I will give each of my siblings a lump of money.

I will buy a new house.

I will find a friend who really needs help and give them some money.

I will put some money in an orphanage.

Oh I will put up a fund for my parents for their sick days.

I will buy myself new shoes. LOL

I will visit my friends all over the world.

I will start investing more. (aik kegawatan.. be careful).

Wowwwwww

I wish it was not April fool's day.

HAPPY APRIL FOOL EVERYONE.

My west coast side story

2009-03-27T14:03:00.002+08:00

MARIA
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

GIRLS
Have you met my good friend Maria,
The craziest girl on the block?
You'll know her the minute you see her,
She's the one who is in an advanced state of shock.

She thinks she's in love.
She thinks she's in Spain.
She isn't in love,
She's merely insane.

It must be the heat
Or some rare disease,
Or too much to eat
Or maybe it's fleas.

Keep away from her,
Send for Chino!
This is not the
Maria we know!

Modest and pure,
Polite and refined,
Well-bred and mature
And out of her mind!

MARIA
I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty
That the city should give me its key.
A committee
Should be organized to honor me.

GIRLS
La la la la . . .

MARIA
I feel dizzy,
I feel sunny,
I feel fizzy and funny and fine,
And so pretty,
Miss America can just resign!

GIRLS
La la la la . . .

MARIA
See the pretty girl in that mirror there:

GIRLS
What mirror where?

MARIA
Who can that attractive girl be?

GIRLS
Which? What? Where? Whom?

MARIA
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

GIRLS
Such a pretty me!

ALL
I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

I put the lyrics down not because I am in love but I lost my temper this morning. And Rob (are u reading this?) you always tell me to sing this song.. hahahah.. The last time I lost my temper,.. really lost my temper was that time. I think I need friends like you around.. Fish and Chips???

When a Young Mother Dies

2009-03-25T12:36:00.000+08:00

Please read the article on http://www.newsweek.com/id/190782?GT1=43002

It is scary.. It makes me think...

Freaky numerology information

2009-03-25T12:02:00.003+08:00

This is what I got from these online numerology readings...

"Compared to the other numbers, you excel at letting go of lovers or opportunities simply because you know you can't take emotions and material goods with you when you die."

It rings very true.. I keep saying to MOH that when we die.. we leave the world just like that.. without wealth, without sickness, without heartache, without our diamonds, without our politics etc.

The one thing which is important is that we leave our loved ones in a good way.

When my time comes, I hope that people I love knows that I love them and that I want them to LIVE their life to the fullest. Achieve the most love and be their happiest.

Love, laugh and live.

Time waster

2009-03-12T14:57:00.001+08:00

By the way. I thought the meeting today was a time waster. Ahem.. it was a very useful and good meeting. Ha ha ha ha.. Imagine.. luckily I did not skip it. Sigh.. Saved by an Angel again.

Jumping off a cliff...

2009-03-12T12:01:00.003+08:00

I really respect those people who bungee jump, skydive or jump off a cliff into a water fall.

Man.. don't they know they can never grow their wings on the way down? :)

MJM just cheered me up. A very big thank you.

I have gotten married to a Man, I knew would break my heart, would be no good to me and my kids. Give me a lot of headache and heartache. I still married him. All my predictions have come true. All my hopes have not been fulfilled. I am optimistic. My hopes will come true. I just have to be patient. God hears everything. He is just testing me and letting me know my true ability. That is not just what I keep on telling myself. It is like my Mantra. What else could a person do? I believe in prayers. I believe there is a God. However life is not easy. I do not think anyone has an easy life. Even the brother of the Sultan of Brunei has to pay for his mismanagement of funds. Everyone has to be responsible otherwise they will be haunted with a terrible life.. I believe this is true.

So everyday I try to be as responsible as I can.
I make sure the food does not run out in my house.
I make sure the bills are all paid.
I make sure my kids have enough clothes, food, milk, diapers and toys.
I make sure they have a good carer cum house help.
I make sure my car is well serviced.
I make sure I pray everyday.
I make sure my friends don't loose touch with me.
I make sure I can remember their birthdays (this one I am still working on.. very very hard).
I make sure my mom knows I love her.
I make sure that my sisters are emotionally supported.
I make sure my students get the information correct and the right understanding.
I make sure all my paperwork are done.
I make sure all my deadlines are met.

Geez... I am a boring person. Oh yeah the other thing that I need to make sure is that I am well taken care off. I have to make sure I am happy. I have to make sure that I love myself enough. :)

So is jumping off a cliff a responsible thing to do? hmmm no.. don't do it unless you have no responsibilities at all. I wish I did it when I was single, still one can not say I never did it. I think my version of jumping off a cliff is getting married to my husband...

Ridoxolitolamatini....

2009-03-10T20:06:00.008+08:00

Whatever!!??!!. I am in the mood to just rebel. I just had a very very tough few weeks. I do not think it will end. Tomorrow there is a meeting I have to chair. The next day another meeting to show my face in. A meeting which I think is just another time waster. Sigh... somethings about my job I love... the others I hate.. I have not blogged for ages because I have not had time and I wanted to focus on work. However I agree with nekad climatologist. He uses blogging as therapy. LOL. I mean. Who sincerely can say they do not use blogs as a therapy session. Shrinks must be really feeling the pinch this cycle of recession. The boom of internet blogging which did not exist ten years ago. Amazing.

You know in three years of marriage I have had grounds for a divorce, repeatedly thought of it. But today I can not. I keep on seeing grounds for keeping the marriage. How is that possible. Is it not the path of the broken hearted to rage and to leave and lead another life? I thought of that. I would advice myself to do just that. It is not like I am a coward and do not want to join the 70% of divorcees. Nah.. I am not like that... I just do not see the point. Why do you need to divorce? Why did you work so hard to be with someone who gets you just to fight tooth and nail to leave the same person.. just because he grew to be not getting you at all?.. IT IS RIDICULOUS... nah.. I choose to just lead a peaceful life.. take it or leave it.. follow my own gut feeling of how to live.. LOVE, LAUGH AND LIVE.. so simple...

Life is hard enough without us trying to make it complicated. sigh.. But I will be making my life complicated soon. ARGGHHH... it is not that I do not like to do research but I feel guilty that I will have to sacrifice time with my kids.. This is what I am most angry about today. I can not finish all my work in one day and then also progress in research. My kids are at home waiting eagerly for me to come home and I feel bad. But if I dont do my work.. I feel bad... there is no way out of this.. I have to choose... SOO SAKIT HATI (so painful my liver.. ROFL that's the direct translation). Which way to go. I don't want to use my children as excuse but I do not also want to make them lose time with me.. uwaa.. well I better go home and try and spend time with them.

by the way I went to Tambunan on a job with my Hubby as my driver and my babies as navigator (like real). It was fun..

Check out these tiles.. Perkasa hotel Tenom a blast from the past...

And guess what we tried stopping by the Taman in Tenom but it was closed on monday

see this can really get me drunk and forget about all my problems.. eh?

Tenom is really not that backward.. it has a seven E

Look at me and My Baby... I don't want him to ever grow up.

Ridoxolitolamatini.... by the way if anyone is curious about what this means.. hmm I created it.. and it means I am angry, frustrated, tired, miss having martini and awfully lots of fun with my mates.. LOL.

Lovely memories to last a lifetime

2009-03-09T22:59:00.006+08:00

My two archangels.. :) Michael and Raphael

These are my babies communicating with each other.. aaah... finally no screaming from My kiddo

Being Envied

2009-03-09T22:18:00.002+08:00

Is it normal in our society to be envied?
Is it good to be envied?
Envy strikes such a negative response from our culture. Does it not? I think everything has a good and bad side to it. Even envy. I do not think I need to state the negative side of envy here. I think you all know what that is. However the good side of envy, that is if it is taken positively would actually benefit the person who envies and is envied.

Firstly, when I envy someone, I aspire to have what they have. I start wishing I was in their shoes from the limited perspective given to us by their stories or other resources (hahah usually gossip). However we really do not know what their life is like. We can not start to comprehend the problems they face, the challenges they strive through, the battles they fight, the sacrifices they make or the choices they had to make.

Usually after wishing for their life I will go through a chain of thoughts which will include asking myself if I really understood the sacrifices or the hard work they had to put into to get to where they were. For example Daphne Iking. She is sooo beautiful, gifted and fun. I wish I had her life. It is so glamorous and exciting. However would I be able to handle the public scrutiny she experiences. She is always worried about her weight (Pon if you ever read this.. no offense I respect you greatly for everything you are doing, you are an Icon an example that we loud mouthed Sabahan girls have a place in the world, hahaha). I do too but I do NOT have to deal with people who will tell me right off that I am too fat for public eye.. I think that is the hardest thing to put up. RESPECT.

My next example is Doc Beautiful (yeah I do envy a lot of people as well) hahahah... but I do drag myself down to earth and try to realize the real story of their life. Okay this Doc Beautiful is down right beautiful, furthermore she is soo intelligent, furthermore she is soo good at management, furthermore she is so very good at what she does, furthermore she has a very SUPPORTIVE, UNDERSTANDING, MATURED MAN for a husband. I greatly lack this due to my own POOR choice.. hahahah.. (but I love my FAULTfull man/boy/angst teenager.. me shaking my head.. "Sometimes you can not choose who you love" therefore you have to sacrifice a lot more than you can, hmmm to keep a marriage...).. To me Doc Beautiful is perfect. She has the perfect life, the perfect career, the perfect friends, the perfect children, the perfect everything. However I know she has made choices which were difficult to make. I know she works DAMN hard. I know she had made a lot of sacrifices too.

Kudos to these great woman. Apart from Mother Theresa, Princess D, Margaret Thatcher, Hillary Clinton, Condelezza Rice, my Mami, the Mrs Moosoms.. the list is actually long.. . These are my heroes. None of them had an easy life. None of them had easy choices. None of them had not sacrificed. None of them tried to run away from hard work.

What I am trying to say here is that the package is set. Nothing is perfect. It is what you choose to do to maintain your own sanity and to keep on making the right choices for your own good and those you love. The fight is long and hard. But is you are willing to choose the hard way.. the REWARDS are great. Chegu.. I know your choices.. I look up to you and respect you in many ways.. I envy you toooo u know..

My life is hard. I have been married since the 22nd of March 2009, for three years. My GOD I have gone through hell and back and hell again. I pray to God that I never have to go through that again. Sometimes I wish I did not love my husband at all. Sometimes I ask myself why I am still with him after all the shit he put me through. I do not know. I really do not know why... why am I still here. But looking at the pictures and how Carol reacted. I guess it is worth it. To have my family safe and peaceful. To keep the love true, to keep the heartache away from making me insane. Everything I do, I do in respect to God. For what he has given me yesterday and today. I give thanks to him.

To those who does not understand, when strife comes make sure God is beside you and that you love yourself enough to believe he will stick beside you.

Something I found funny

2009-02-24T09:14:00.004+08:00

"Nolo Contendere" is a legal term meaning, " I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do it again."

By the way. I played futsal last saturday and guess what. I scored about 5 goals. Yahoo. Me back into me sporty self again.

A few photos to show off.. :)

And a few photos of late.

U bowl kiddie playground?

2009-02-19T16:55:00.003+08:00

Yeah I am guilty of playing in it with my kiddo. Hey go on a weekday nite.. That place is almost empty. when I went there on a tuesday nite there was only two other kids playing.

It is a packed area on weekends. Ugh.. I hate large crowds. It gives me headaches.

Anyhoo LOLA have a look at these photos

Entrance is RM3/kid RM6/adult (like adults can play in the humungous playhouse.. I wish I could but it will probably crash cos I am soo fat now.. )

I like

2009-02-18T17:43:00.001+08:00

Today was a good day. I finally got to have a go at my research proposal again. It is taking too much time but at least this attempt looks like it will see the light of day.

Hmm. Wish me luck.

The year of the bull

2009-01-26T15:02:00.002+08:00

Last night we went to watch the fireowks in K.K. from a higher point. We saw so much fireworks. Popping up from Tuaran all the way to the KKIA. It looked like a bubbling pot of porridge. MOH and I saw every colour of the rainbow. It was a shame my kiddo was asleep. The night had a cold breeze, we had a bottle of chivas, corn, groundnuts and mango. It was a nice date. Approaching romantic but I would not have dared suggest it to MOH. Unless I trigger his emotionally unavailable side. I was just happy. A good start to the new year. At least we could celebrate CNY together since our Christmas and New Year were spent separately. What can I say, no marriages are happily ever after. All we can guarantee is that we remember to love ourselves and take care of our responsibilities.

Yet I am happy with life. I expected it to be tough. I expected it to be rewarding. I am not dissapointed.

Happy chinese new year 2009

2009-01-25T22:30:00.002+08:00

This is such a good holiday. All MOH and I have done with the kids are have breakfast and take afternoon naps. Relaxing. A much needed rest. :) Things are good. life is peaceful. My kiddo and my baby are growing so fast. My baby has started pushing himself forward. He looks so interested with all that is around him. I can not describe my joy in watching him grow so fast. He is so active and cheerful. My kiddo on the other hand has gone into watching video cds non stop. It worries me. But I also welcome the free time it gives me to spend with baby. You see I struggle to find time for my baby because my kiddo is also very needy of attention. It is not his fault. It is just his age. Hmmmm sometimes i feel like i have to be a superwoman.

Memories of 2008 and new photos of 2009

2009-01-13T09:35:00.005+08:00

The New Year 2009

2009-01-12T16:22:00.002+08:00

I am glad that I survived 2008 and now living in 2009. Whooa... I wonder what is in store for me this year.

My marriage survived almost over 10 major arguments. I hope this year is better. I hope the communication gets better. From the point I am sitting on now. It has gotten better. Bless MOH. I pray to God that it gets better from here.

Last year I had one kid and pregnant with my second one. This year I have two kids. You know what. I am tired all the time. I had to take a nap in the office just now. Last week I had what was called "Novingkat". I had chills and my body ached all over. I would say I was over exhausted. This year I am taking things easy.

I will cry when I need to. I will sing when I want to. I will laugh when I feel like. I will do my work with peace.

Whatever may come, may come. I let it and I will go as the flow goes.

My kiddo and his words

2008-12-20T23:16:00.002+08:00

Every day he learns to put a string of words together. Some days he amazes me and some days I just get flabbergasted. Reminds me of my younger days.. Really younger days.

Let me tell you a story. when I was very very young. I woke up one day and felt like the world was in my palm and I can speak. However no adult understood my sentences. That was when I was a wee toddler learning to speak. Guess what? I still see the same confused faces on my students. LOL

Anyway these are precious moments for me. Last night he said "Mommy, big bus." While pointing at the buses parked in Donggongon. I am slowly trying to add in some more words to his vocab. Like big green bus or something and he tries to repeat. Sweet.

My lil baby now coos and aahs... so much I think he will be the talkative one. Today he did a full 360 degree turn, while on his tummy. Smilingly he looked at me and then coos again. I can be in no better heaven right then and there. My children are amazing.

Merry Christmas to everyone and every children. I hope they get all their dreams come true.

I also turned 32 recently. How does it feel? Old, tired but happy. I am glad to be surrounded by people who love me.

Exam time for the kids

2008-11-20T14:47:00.002+08:00

Hah.. sometimes it is good sometimes it is bad. There are 3 weeks to the exam period and luckily or unluckily I have had my papers put into the final week. Which is good if I look at it that I have two weeks of complete freedom. Bad if I think of how I have to rush all the marking before I go on to my research.

Anyway I took the positive outlook and took the time to redecorate my home. Aaaah.. you know, after getting and losing about 15+ maids in 2 years. I am finally giving up. MOH and I are trying out the nursery and doing house chores together. He does the dishes, sweeping and mopping. I cook and do the laundry plus anything else the babies need. He agreed with me that a tidy house helps to steady a marriage.

We made a pact to reduce mess and clutter in order to keep our lives simple. We also started a project 2 weeks ago. The aim was to clear up clutter in the house, sort out our clothes and things, make our home a homely place and not a storage place. For two years we sat on a rocking chair and a one person easy chair. Which always resulted in a fight or shuffle to give up space for the other. It is now solved with two beautiful couches... Thanks to "living concept" I love them... MOH loves them... my sons loves them. Yahoo... That was one of my greatest achievement this year. The other ones was to get our clothes and laundry organised. We have dedicated one room for all our clothes (i.e. mine, MOH's and babies). Which translates to a walk in closet.. hahahha in all my life I never dreamed that I would have a walk in closet. Wow... This resulted in reduced clutter in our bedroom. Which is great. It is so easy to tidy it up now. There is only our bed, baby cot and a 3 chest drawer in there. Sigh... *wink wink.. so easy to clean... I also got a white shelve for My kiddo's toys.. and it is in the third room. I am all smiles and pretty proud of myself. However the third room still needs work.. I need to clear all the clothes which I have decided to give away. Citizen sierra thanks for helping me la babe. However I need to get rid of those 3 large bags... Anyone interested? Now, the only part of my house which I wish for more organization is the kitchen. Next year then. We will plan for the built in Cabinets.

Now that, that part of my life is finally getting sorted I have to give my attention back to my work. Ahh... exam papers to mark, proposals to write. ugh.. agh.. hmmm nice... smiles... whichever it is.. This is life and I love it.

Blogging from my PDA phone

2008-11-17T23:57:00.001+08:00

I know that all you've from me was my complaints about my PDA phone. But it has is really not that bad. I admit it has bugs. yet I can type this blog. Plus I checked an important email on it. YAHOO. just make sure to buy it from a place with good support. By the way. I had to continue this blog on my laptop coz the pda phone had made it ridiculous to type a legible paragraph. It could take one line but not more.

Yet I am connected to the internet in Inanam from my phone.. Which is still great...

A light appears.

2008-11-04T19:56:00.000+08:00

Love is the hammer that will break the hardest heart.

Life is like that. Huh

2008-11-04T19:17:00.003+08:00

My HTC is great.. BUT hmmm it has hung numerous times.. this afternoon it suddenly decided not to let me hear anyone who rang me and who I try and call.

I then realised the reason for the minuscule reset button at the bottom.. Previously I have had to use that button because of its ability to give loud sound. It is like the sound you get when pressure is leaking of a high pressure reactor..... Crazy.. as a chemenger.. it got me really annoyed...

Anyhoo.. today I got the unlimitted broadband for my phone.. yahoo... internet in my hands...

iPhone no more, HTC Touch come over

2008-10-17T16:49:00.005+08:00

I blogged a while before about how I wished I had the iPhone.

Recently I went to Centre Point Sabah and asked about the iPhone at the Apple Outlet. Guess what? They have phased out the iPhone I wanted for the iPhone 3G with a much higher price. Great. Just great.

I decided just then and then I decided I would not be able to afford that and I would just look for a normal PDA to do my work.

A visit to the PDAexpert in 1 Borneo however put my sadness aside. They had a PDA phone which was really much better than the iPhone in terms of programs. HTC Touch Diamond. After looking at it and handling it for half an hour. I was in Love. So I got home and surfed the web for a few days looking at reviews on it. I also am wondering how much I will need a QWERTY layout to type. Hmmm.

Ponder.. ponder.. ponder.. surf.. surf.. surf.. read.. read.. read.. Then I found one info which made me think I should wait for the HTC Touch Pro aka Raphael.. How cool is that name... :) wink* wink* :p . It perfectly marries the fun side of having a smart phone with work. Apparently it is also possible to give power point presentations from this tiny machine. Cool. Does that mean I don't have to lug my heavy laptop around. I hope. I will definitely get this HTC Touch Pro now. Given that it has arrived here.

Ok now I am settled and I can work. Ha ha ha

The future

2008-10-16T14:22:00.002+08:00

I am very good at predicting my own future.
Here is my own prediction.
On Monday I will reluctantly drag myself out of bed at 5.30 am and get ready to leave the house by 6.15 am. I will have maybe the worst Monday blues ever.

Hahaha as if I am a fortune teller.

I know this because, today is the second last day of my maternity leave. I do not look forward to the tons of mail I need to go through. The number of people who want to see me. Furthermore I need to look into some classes that I have to give as well. Ugh.

I just want to focus on some research writing. Need to give myself a mental note to block time for it.

Happy Birthday to MOH

2008-10-14T04:14:00.002+08:00

I hope you had a funfilled 31st birthday. Maybe I will surprise you by bringing you out tonight. :)

I would like to thank you for the wonderful Sons you have given me. I thank you for making me stronger. I thank you for making me realize I am a strong woman and I can KICK **se hahahha. Thank you for your efforts and your struggle.

I thank you as well for sticking around this pain in the **se wife of yours. Ha ha ha. I know we have had our share of marital challenges. We are bound to have a normal rugged journey of discovery, because life as we knew it before has ended. I am not sure if our journey together is long but I know it will be tortuous. I hope we will persevere and be good parents to our sons.

I am writing all this because I want you to know that you are loved. So very loved and appreciated by me and by our kids. Happy birthday.

Reminisce

2008-10-14T03:40:00.002+08:00

rem·i·nisce (rm-ns)

intr.v. rem·i·nisced, rem·i·nisc·ing, rem·i·nisc·es

To recollect and tell of past experiences or events.

hmm I like doing this once in a while. It is funny and joyful to look behind you and smile at the path you have taken. The viewpoint is always rewarding.

Now I have reached a point in my life that I have always wanted to be. Yet there is more to come. I want more. I know I can achieve more. I know the future stores a lot more for me. I can feel it deep in my heart that my journey in life is long and soo full.

Back in July 2005, mid summer in Birmingham. I started writing my thesis. I wrote this

I announce my marriage to my Thesis today!

Wednesday, July 6th, 2005

Today I start on my thesis.. nothing much just bloody stressed and wondering if i will ever survive it without anyone special in my life.. (I recently got single then.. hahahha I was really sad and lonely... duh)

My industrial supervisor yesterday said she is happy with my work so far. My academic supervisors are all also happy with it.. Great.. now I just need to start writing up.. but it feels so lonely without that special person next to you giving that special understanding… (oooh nooooo... hhahahahha so kesian)

hmm anyway.. I did update my CV today and gonna apply to do some post doc jobs around… and also started on my thesis.. basic templating in Word.. and sorting out my reference manager.. boring stuff… then Risa (my sexy skilled rich hairdresser/friend).. match maked me with a Hong kong guy called tony.. not my type.. but he was a recruitment guy so.. i got his email anyway just in case it resulted in a job.. hehehehe (i dont remember the guy anymore,, i did not even remember this)

anyhoo.. i am gonna go back to work.. and msning.. ppl.. heheheh :p

That was it.. very short two paragraph first blog of mine. :) Oh so sweet. Now I am at another point which I have to kickstart. The research side of my academic work. Don't get me wrong.. I have done some but I have to get this machine on full swing now.

Lots to do...

What I did in Summer of 2005

2008-10-14T03:37:00.000+08:00

This one is a very sweet memory..

Archive for July, 2005

A journey on my own (Warning! a long one)

Sunday, July 17th, 2005

I went to Cambridge yesterday and came back today… It started out to be scary for me.. to be on my own and I lost my Young Person’s Railcard.. I also forgot my camera.. duh… I tried renewing my card at the uni station.. but they did not have a form.. hmmm… then had to buy a separate ticket to get to Birmingham New Street. Then I had to queue up for an hour. Phuuuu.. Penat ooooh.. Luckily I left the house much earlier, I sort of anticipated that it would take a lot of time to get a replacement card… then I went for lunch.. makan meehun goreng basah.. yum at my favourite malaysian restaurant..

then had to rush to train station.. found out that the trip is sooo long la.. like 3 hours.. even going to lancaster or london is only 2 hours. hmmmm what to do.. i already promise to go to see a friend from a-levels college.. whom i havent seen for ten years.. damn.. long man… too long

Her name is Lisa.. comes from a humble school in penang.. and from a humble family.. and from my a-level college.. she was the only girl out of four ppl who got into cambridge.. she is very very very intelligent and fun too… when i saw her again it was a sight for sore eyes.. i felt soo happy..

We chatted..she walked me around the cambridge campus.. the sun shining with clear blue skies and the campus is really really like a beautiful european city.. with gothic and roman architecture.. lots of types.. with lotsa green grass.. trees and a canal… we chatted.. had dinner and chatted some more.. Gosh we had to catch up on sooo many things… eventually we decided to punt.. night punting.. ooh it was soo serene and beautiful.. What u do is drop this long 5 metre pole into the water and use it to push the boat…. without pulling the pole out of the water.. u use the pole as a rudder to direct the boat.. so push and direct.. Hehehehe Lisa did it first then she let me try it.. at first I was sooo damn scared of falling into the water.. but Lisa did well to guide me.. and then i eventually got the hang of it.. although when lisa said.. okay we go straight so u dont have to do the difficult move of turning the whole boat.. but instead of going forward i went round.. hahahahah i actually turned the boat.. hehehheheh well turning is good…

I learned a new skill.. sooo rewarding… the canals had bridges like in venice.. and u have to sort of push the boat and let the momentum carry u across under the bridge.. There was two favourite spots i liked while punting… the one when i first took over.. the place was quiet and peaceful.. water was beautiful.. the geese were in a line going pass us.. hmmm i dont have enough words to describe it…. then the second place was the city centre where the bars were.. it was busy with life.. ppl talking, eating and drinking.. the contrast was amazing… I did this about 10 pm hahahh night punting… Lisa only told me this morning that she was actually afraid coz there were only us girls.. but she did not show any fear last night.. so i felt so brave.. funny…

This morning we went to have breakfast.. by this time Lisa is asking me to do a post doc in cambridge.. she is also writing up and will be doing a one year post doc there.. hahahahah i dunno.. maybe i will.. the place is soooo beautiful.. it is hard not to want to go and work there for a while… I found out that Lisa is also after an academic life.. which was funny coz we have the same reasons for wanting it… it was a nice feeling to know u are not alone when u are in a world of rat races.. when u just want a simple car to get u from A to B… A simple house.. small enough so we can clean it easily.. but enough space to have guests… and a job which we can work at our own leisure… hehehehe.. dunno if that is really the case.. but we seemed to think so.. coz when projects need doing.. we know we can get it done.. but then if we feel like taking a break.. we can.. nice sweet life… heheheh

We went punting again.. hahahha (can u tell that i love punting?) and we met her bestfriend Seena, he is in Trinity college… just in case u dunno what trinity college is famous for… it is Sir Isaac Newton.. he was in this college.. anyway.. Seena is her friend who dated 2004 Miss Universe (Iranian Canadian) hahahha ooh u gotta ask me for the story.. it is funny.. nanti this blog gets too long.. anyway.. i took turns with Seena on the punt.. it was another sunny beautiful day… hmmmm the day had to end.. like all good things.. but I hope with this blog.. i will always remember it… God Bless…

joy, leen, roy, cora.. i hope one day i can bring u there and punt.. one fine day like today.. it is lovely.. and fun… love u all… by the way.. Lisa is also the third daughter.. she has two older sisters and a younger sister and brother… just like me.. funny isnt it…

My Kiddo and My Baby

2008-10-11T23:21:00.012+08:00

The two most important men in my life. I love them so much. I would give my life for them.

My Baby is so sweet.

I have noticed that he has a totally different character to his brother. He smiles at the simplest coo from you. He smiles right after feeding. It is like he is complimenting the chef.

He poos but once or twice a day and does a very big one. His poo overflows his cloth nappy or his disposable nappy. It practically looks like a big atom bomb went off in there.

Hmm poo, smiles and cries. Yeah he cries too. He gets upset about things I do not understand. But most of the time I can guess it will be either he is sleepy, hungry or wants to be carried around the house. He does not really cry because of wet nappies. Strange.

My Kiddo tho is sooo loving but also very jealous of his little bro. He has started getting extra clingy to me and had lessened his clinginess to his dad. But poor Kiddo he has the shits and gets sick most of the time. This stomach bug really pisses me off. Poor Kiddo. He has lost a lot of weight and can not keep much down. I wish he gets well soon. Di di boding dibo dibo ding. :) Please God make my Kiddo better soon. It is painful to see him hungry at one moment then vomitting the next.
When My Kiddo was a teeny little wee baby himself. He was the most precious little bundle of joy ever. For me that is. He never cried too much. He would whimper and that will be either for feeding, poo or wetting his nappy. Otherwise he will sleep happily.

He always had this thinking look. Made me suspect he wants to be those professors who examined me during my viva voce. :) hahahahah Wishful thinking.

I just hope my two boys would grow up to be two good men. Healthy, wealthy and wise.

Two Months Maternity Leave

2008-10-11T23:08:00.003+08:00

My two months is almost over. I have but 9 days left of it now. Hmmm... half of me wants to go back to work. The larger half of me is screaming no. :)

I am surprised. I thought I would be gagging to get back to work by now. Yet there is so much to do apart from work. Scary. Who will feed me if I do not work. Gotta shake that idea out of my head.

I enjoy my children and the feeling of being free from management work. I do hate that part of my work to bits. I wish I wish. Where is Dibo the Gift Dragon. "Didi boding dibo dibo ding", there I said it. Now I want my wish. Grrr.... it is only a wish and by the time I get back to work I will be dumped with a mountain of work without an increase in pay for that responsibility. UGH.. I want to puke. Hey I can look forward to playing futsal again. Yahooooo..

I am not back to my sexy self (eyes go inward and laugh). Like yeah right. I have this big podge on my belly. It is different to having had a C-section. I had a podge and a line accross it which I was always afraid to burst. Now I have a Podge and that is it. :) I perfect the muffin top look. Hahahha. I kill me.

Time for contraceptive

2008-10-08T23:51:00.002+08:00

Me and babies.. I love them.. but for myself 2 beautiful boys is enough.

I do not think I can handle anymore at the moment. I adore and appreciate my beloved boys. Yet I do feel like I am slowing down too much with my career. I have to strike that Golden Balance.

So contraception is in the menu this week. Of course you look at all your options and try to pick the one that best suits you and your lifestyle.

The Pill - Pros; I have been on it before. It did not cause any negatives to me. Cons; I am extremely forgetful now and may get pregnant due to forgetfulness. So; not an option.

The Condom - Pros; works well, cheap and cheerful. Cons; hmmm nothing wrong with this one.. just malas (malaise, lazy) hahahha... so not an option since I am lazy.

The IUD - Pros; Cheap, long term (3 years), easy, proven to work 89% of the time. Cons; Painful periods cramps. Can not lose a day of work due to cramps.. I usually have bad ones without IUD.. I heard it gets really painful with it. No go...

The Implant - Pros; Under the skin for 3 years, Period becomes irregular (good I hate period cramps), no forgetting anything. Cons; It is expensive (RM480.00), it is a hormone treatment. May cause depression. But I am good with EQ.. so saying.. my Doc Canal Village used to tell me I was bad at EQ.. but I worked on that Uncle.. so now I can handle it.. :)

So I ended up with The Implant. It sounds so simple, yet it took me weeks to decide. I talked to everyone I can about this. Up to the day I was still deciding between IUD and the Implant. In fact I was thinking of using IUD. Except for the fact that I really have bad periods cramps hence I changed my mind finally to the Implant. This is because I am okay with hormones in my body. :) here I am praying everything will work.

The Implanting procedure was quick. The only pain I felt was the sting of the local anaesthetic. Now I have a bandage on the inside of my left arm. I also have a card to come along with the implant. Not much change.. however I was touchy when I got home due to my perceived ugly hair cut... which MOH said might be due to the implant.. Hmmm don't think so. I was just touchy. I did not like my haircut at first glance.. Neither did I like it at second glance, or the third or the umpteenth time.. I wanted to go chop everything off but I stopped myself. My hair will grow and it would be better in the near future. :) Thanks sis for making me stop from going mad with my hair.

My Strong Little Man

2008-10-03T15:41:00.001+08:00

My kiddo loves to hang in tough

imagine that.. he keeps on wanting to go back there again and again.

Happy Eid Al Fitr Celebrations

2008-10-01T16:29:00.002+08:00

Wow it is raya time again. I hope everyone is having a good raya celebration. I am just chilling at home.. too tired. Played with my son most of the day. I need a rest. Yet I wish to eat some raya cookies too..

What I only found out lately is that Malaysia loves Stacy soo much she became the AF6 winner. WOW. Really proud that this gutsy girl from Tuavon had caught the hearts of Malaysians.

When I first saw her perform in Q-ball. I was thinking another really young local girl who should be studying instead. Did not realise that she had it in her to win the big AF. That prooves what little I know. Duh again. But congratulations to the little woman with a big voice.

Oh I gotta go stop my Kiddo from trying to hit MOH. Tah... By the way I am enjoying my maternity break so much. I have become too busy even to post a blog. Hmmm..

Happy Hols

2008-09-26T21:54:00.003+08:00

Selamat hari raya to all my muslim friends. I keep on dreaming of Raya cakes and cookies. Yummiee and thank God I have finished with my confinement.

Happy hols as well to everyone else. What are the plans? Hmmm..

Being Happy

2008-09-22T09:30:00.002+08:00

Yes my confinement period is finally over. It is hard for me to be confined. It is harder for be to be confined and keep my sanity.

I am a very very active person. I kill me if I can keep myself indoors for long. Hence I have to be ultimately very good and live by the law because I can not imagine myself behind bars or in ISA. It would literally drive me mad. Ooh I can not imagine how it is for those people who do.

However I have survived, I used to love lihing chicken (chicken soup in rice wine). Yummyyy... but now I can only stare at the soup in horror and wish for other types of food. Hmmm... I still will eat the thing but not with so much enthusiasm as before.

They said a lot of mothers go through baby blues. I have gone through it with my first baby and now my second. In both occasions. I had to keep my emotions in check and always try and find a way to be HAPPY.

Today I am very happy and I feel at peace. This was not the case a few weeks ago. I was always feeling tired and had really negative thoughts. It was not easy going through that. I did a few things which I list below:
1. Search the internet for information about post natal depression.
2. Talk to a lot of friends and family.
3. Look at old photos of happy times.
4. Escape from my confinement with really good reasons. Wink Wink
5. Fought with husband so many times. This one was not a good thing to do. But you would be damn if you do and you would be damn if you don't.

All in all, I survived. I finally feel happy today. I am also going to treat myself with a full on self pampering afternoon. I am going to do the works. Manicure, pedicure, body massage, facial and etc. Hmmm I am happy.

Farting like a train

2008-09-10T23:47:00.002+08:00

I have noticed something about myself lately. I am very very gassy. Why is that? I am only eating lihing chicken and drinking the Anmum lacta milk. Hmm strange. Hopefully I wont make my babies faint. hahaha

A good night

2008-09-10T21:43:00.002+08:00

Today may be the first and only night which went well for both of my babies. I had my dinner after my kiddo had his, which was while I fed my li'l one. Since the li'l one was fast asleep, it gave me some quality time to spend with my kiddo.

We watched the Asian Food Channel on Astro and pretended to eat all the yummy foods. It was fun. He also asked for his Appeton Vitamin. I found that he loves this Vitamin C tablets. I told him that it is one of the last ones. He happily took it into his mouth and then later took it out.

While watching AFC, he started crying. I was shocked and wondered what was bothering him. I found out that he was trying to keep the half sucked tablet in his pocket but because it was so small he could not find it again. So I calmed him down and found it for him. Then he sat next to me sucking on his Vit C.

Not long after he started whimpering again. This time he lost his tablet behind the cushions. Hmm you would think, 'hey it is time to throw the Vit C into the bin cause it is dirty.' However I would not dare to. My kiddo would scream his heart out. Anyway I played a few tricks on him. I pretended to eat his tablet and he would start crying. Then I would tease him for crying and show him that I had not really eaten his tablet. This went on a few times. I also did the I pick the tablet out from your ear trick. Which he thought was cool coz he placed the tablet in his ear. LOL. You know kids... we had a bit more fun then he took my hand and walked me to make him his milk and off to bed we went.

Next, I played a nursery rhyme CD. We had a bit of dancing which was so sweet. He was doing this turns and trying to immitate the songs on the CD. Then I started reading his book. While pointing at a few words I realised that he can now say most of the words and remember what they were. So we played the game, 'where is this thing', for half an hour. All this while my li'l one is fast asleep.

Oh my kiddo threw a small tantrum after he found me checking on his younger brother. :) Still very jealous. He also got upset coz I told him not to rock his brothers crib. Luckily he did not start crying out loud. He just started hitting me, while making a loud shout. Told him it was not good behaviour and pretended to ignore him for a while. He had this angry angry stare at me. Next I told him calmly that I understand that he was hurt and thinks I don't love him anymore. Then I told him if he feels hurt he can just tell me he is upset and ask for a hug. The hug worked. He settled down. I know he might not know how to say the words. I just want to keep consistent with him. Then he started getting comfy and pulling the covers over him. Next thing you know he is fast asleep.

So time to change my li'l one's nappies. Yup they were soaked wet. Nevermind. I changed his clothes nappy into those disposable nappies. Next I changed him into his nightie. This woke him up of course. Then I fed him and put him back to his crib. Phew.. this night is perfect. I got to spend good time with both without getting either one too upset. I hope I have more of this kind of night.

I love my kids soo much. I feel bad when I can't give both attention at the same time. My kiddo is still a baby himself. Sometimes I think maybe I should have waited until he was older to get my li'l one. Hmmmm.. too late. :)

A joy forever

2008-09-03T22:56:00.002+08:00

My children are so precious.

This morning I brought the eldest one to my office to get some stuff which I need urgently. Spent a few hours with me, you would think he would be satisfied with the quality time I spend with him. However as soon as we got home he did not want to lose sight of me. I have trouble trying to persuade him that I do want to spend time with him. It is just that his brother needs me for food.

On a separate occasion, I have trouble putting my baby to bed. After feeding he would nod off and then I would put him to bed. But he would wake up as soon as his head touches the bed. Hmmm... Susah betul.. he just wants to be carried around. Everytime I think he is asleep and I lay him on the bed, he decides to wake up and demands to be carried by crying.

I tried carrying him while doing work on the computer. Somehow he knows that I am not giving him my full attention and he decides to show his disatisfaction by crying and whimpering. I finally decided to watch tv, while I let him lay on my chest. This got him to doze off. SUCCESS!. Happily I go back my room and laid him down to sleep. Guess what? He decides to wake up. aiyoooooooo... Hmmm... eventually I decided to prop myself up on the bed and let him lay on me. Finally this got him to settle down and sleep. This time instead of laying him down on his back, I placed him on the bed on his tummy. He continued to sleep. Phew!!

Each kid has his own way.. my eldest one was so easy to get to sleep. As soon as he finish his feeding... he flats out and sleeps for 2-4 hours. I was sooo thankful that I did not really have sleepless nights with my kiddo. However with my second one. He is still precious cause when he is awake these two black pools just stares at you with an almost knowing and talking way. And he likes to punch the air all the time.. by the way... he does not really cry so much. Just a little yelp. Which I am also very happy for. yup I enjoy both my kids very much. They my things of beauty. A thing of beauty is a Joy forever. :)

anyhoo... I should rest now. Tomorrow I have an interview with OUM.. finally. Been waiting to be called for 2 years.

Copied and pasted

2008-09-01T07:02:00.002+08:00

I would usually link this blog to the webpage which I found interesting articles in. However I think this article should have more exposure. A friend of mine emailed this to me and I checked that it is a valid article from Malaysia Kini. Please read on.

Malay rights - a mystical myth?

Shaik Rizal Sulaiman | Jun 23, 08

The Malays are 'technically' in power governing the country but it also this same controlling group that demands the right to correcteconomic imbalances and disparities for its own race.

What does this say about the 'majority governing' Malay race for the last 50 years?

I dare say that most Malaysians (regardless of race) below the age of 40 would like to see all opportunities be spread amongst those who deserve it on meritocracy.

We do not need the keris anymore to tell others to be careful of what they say and do because in the survival of the fittest, the keris is of very little relevance!

If we continue to hide under the 'bumiputera' tempurung as most Malays have been in the last 50 years or more, the catch-up game will just get harder and the gap wider.

If we continue to expect without earning it, we will never learn how to be a race that succeeds on merit. There is no substitute for merit.

The Malay politicians continue to shout about Malay rights and bumiputera rights because the very nature of our local politics is sadly racially biased. In this day and age, a great nation is built upon joint success stories, meritocracy and the combined hard work of its people without any fear or favour of racial biased politics governing our dailypolicies.

I am below 40 and as much as I love the 'idea' that Malaysia is tanah tumpahnya darah orang Melayu, I can't help but also feel that this country is for all Malaysians alike including the Chongs, the Kumars, the Xaviers, the Kaurs etc who were born on the same day in the same hospital as me here in Malaysia.

If we feel that we deserve this country more than them, then we should have shown them a long time ago that we deserve the 'control all' status. We have to earn it. The policies failed because the very concept of Malay rights or the NEP/DEB is like a double-edged sword.

On one hand, it aims to eradicate wealth disparity but on the other, it has made the Malays oblivious of what reality is. Our success is only reflected in the 'perceived' political power which today can collapse in a matter of minutes.

I would also like to see my children succeed in their country, Malaysia, for reasons that true success should be based upon, which are merit and hard work and not because they are Malays or bumiputeras.

For as long as the Malays don't see this, there is very little point in fighting for Malay rights. It just makes us look more ridiculous. We have taken this notion of being privileged a bit too literally in that it now simply means we want this country and its fruits all for ourselves without accepting the responsibilities that come with it.

I blame the Malay politicians for this because we want to only fight the cause without strategising for the true substance and need of the cause. We have been given fish all the while without being taught how to fish.

It's funny how two different generations can be so diverse in their thinking and the recent elections proved just that. We are no longer concerned with racial problems but more so the never-ending Malay agenda issues.

The rakyat has spoken and the landscape has drastically changed. Is this change welcomed? Is it good? The answer is 'no' because we the Malays have been caught with our pants down - we are not ready to compete on any level playing field (we can't even compete on advantageous grounds!).

Even with three or five more continuing policies for Malay rights or bumiputera privileges over the next 50 years, we will still be inexactly the same position as we are in today. The truth hurts and the truth will always prevail. And the truth of what's to come will not go away.

I am cynical perhaps because I feel that Malay rights is not relevant anymore. The right to be safe, to be treated fairly, to have a world-class healthcare and education, to enjoy equal prosperity, to have good governance, to live in a clean environment and to be war-free is what I want for my Malaysia. Not for my race to beartificially powerful.

If we want the Malays to fail, then by all means continue the fight for Malay rights. Go and polish your keris.

I agree with what Shaik Rizal said. We bumiputeras have to wake up and face the music. I am an educator, and if you ask any other educator they will also tell you that this great divide is in existence. Some educators try to help the bumis by giving them the answers and questions to final exams (I experienced this as well, my malay classmates got the answers and me and my chinese classmates did not get it.) in the hope that they score or pass. Some still fail even with this kind of special help. I prefer to make the bumis and malays work as hard but they give you this lame attitude which says we do not need to work hard. Hmmmm. It frustrates me as a bumi that the stereotype is so true.

Happy Independence Day!

2008-08-31T08:44:00.002+08:00

As a child I never really appreciated what it meant to be an Independent Country. Why did we need to be Independent? Why do we need to be self-suficient? Why did we need an independent economy? What could ever happen to us? Why did we need to govern ourselves? Why can't we let someone else do that for us and we just live as we used to? In a simple life.

As I grew up and traveled to a few places in the world and also learning about the stability of world peace. I learned that Malaysia is a very very special country. We have no war. We have no serious natural disasters. We have an abundance of nature's gifts. We are multiracial. We are one of the most developed of the developing Nations. But most important of all we are have a prosperous peaceful period, which I pray and hope will last.

For young and old, ignorant or knowledgeable. We need to celebrate our independence day to celebrate our gift of peace.

If you are tired rest

2008-08-30T22:23:00.002+08:00

It is so easy to do. If you are tired rest. If you are hungry then eat. If you feel sad then cry. If you are happy clap your hands.

But why is that when one is tired it is not that easy to be able to just rest. I have watched about 4 movies today. :) Really well spent weekend huh. I also breastfed baby, changed his nappy, stared at him throughout the day. Pumped milk twice. Fed my kiddo his medicine. Had an argument with MOH. Made peace with MOH. Ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. Also went FBing for an hour. Hmm I should get some sleep. Tomorrow is a long day.

My helper is gone for the weekend. I am still worried about my work. Hmmm I should start but I am sooooooooo happy enjoying my holiday. Feeling guilty? yes.

Politics Permatang Pauh

2008-08-29T15:26:00.003+08:00

Honestly I am a politic dunce. I do not care or know anything about politics.

However Anwar winning it is very scary for me as a Sabahan. I still remember how sad and cheated I felt when PBS won in 1994, only to lose due to the massive numbers of jumps. How can the vote of the people be soo blatantly disregarded. How could our own leaders fall to such low standards. It was due to this incident that my believe of the system fell to ruins. Remember who was behind all those jumps in the pass. Check out the nekad climatologists page.

I understand Malaysia needs a change in the political atmosphere. Yet I hope it is not this one. Very scary indeed. I likened it to seeing how the old "Servay Penampang" use to arrange their electrical department. The wiring were here and there and I was saying to myself.. It looks like they will surely have a fire problem here in the future and then hearing that it burnt down. Hopefully not. But no surprise hey?

10 days old and 4.3 kg

2008-08-29T12:01:00.002+08:00

The nurses from KD Limbanak came over after lunch yesterday. I was shocked to find that my son had gained approx 750 g over ten days. How amazing is that?

Well that is what you get from a continuously drinking, peeing and pooing baby. In the first few days he was consistently attached to me. Which was different to during my Kiddo's time. I guess it was because this time my milk took a while to come. My baby would pee and poo sooo often I was wondering if I should start plugging his behind to stop things from coming out. Anyhoo... although he is not as consistently stuck to my breast now, he would pee as soon as after feeding. I would basically go through more than ten nappies per twelve hours with this kid. Luckily I have someone to help me witht he washing.

I was also planning my baby's full moon. Guess what? His full moon falls bang in the middle of the Ramadhan month. Oh dear. My MIL and I decided to push it back to two months later. So I do not have to be so busy yet.

I still have a nagging feeling I should start doing some work now. Geez... I have been so happy not thinking about work... aw all good things will come to an end.

Tired and getting easily irritated

2008-08-28T11:21:00.004+08:00

This morning I woke up feeling okay. However it is almost noon and I feel like I have walked a million miles and am damn tired. I am also thinking so many weird and stupid things. I wonder why I am so exhausted and irritable. Let me see. I woke up at about quarter to nine. So that means I have only been awake for 3 hours.

Last night I stayed up late cause I was not sleepy. I woke up late then had breakfast while watching my kiddo play with his bubble making machine. Thanks sweet little sister (I know you are not so little but you are still my little sister). She got this cool bubble making machine for my kiddo from Toy's r us. Anyway. I finished breakfast. Breast fed baby as well as to pumped about 5 oz of milk for baby for storage. Entertained my kiddo. Changed my baby's nappy a few times. Had my mom come over to give baby a bath. Took my bath and now I am BLOODY KNACKERED!!!!

Oh dear. Full morning. I need to got o sleep. Sweet dreams...

C-section vs SVD

2008-08-25T03:53:00.002+08:00

For those who had never come upon these terms. A C-section is a cesarean cut on your lower abdomen to bring out your baby. This is something most people do only if they fail to have an SVD due to; baby breech position, baby too big (the case with my first son), baby having complications etc. However it is very famous with the celebrities who are too posh to push. A term coined in the UK for people like Posh spice. :) Anyway an SVD stands for Spontaneous Vaginal Delivery. I am like, what??? duh... what is so spontaneous about hours of contractions which is ended only by heavy pushing.

Anyhoo, my verdict. Since I have had personal experience of both. Do the SVD. No matter how painful it is... it is still one of God's most amazing creations. I think sometimes God has a sick sense of humour or maybe balance. I am not sure. The pain of childbirth and the pleasure of having your baby in your arms. It is like having the highest mountain and the lowest valley wrapped in one moment in time. Having natural birth is really normal. Yet it is the most scary of all experiences which I still would not remove for all the gold in the world. Crazy huh. 28 hours of labourous contractions and I can still say that. Common I am not a superwoman. I was scared shit of the pain. I asked for an Epidural. Which was suppose to block the pain. It did that only for my right leg.

Aduhhhhhhh.... LOL dear Dr Anesthetist if u are reading this. I can tell you honestly I was cursing you for your half body job on me... however I do love you and won't mean you harm otherwise. I agree that my body is not the easiest to do an epidural on. Actually I am thankful that I still had feeling in my left side. This helped me push my son out. I heard that some pain is important to be able to tell when the right time to push is. I concur this fact from experience. I did do 3 pushes for every contraction I felt and after the 9th push My baby was out. You see God works in amazing ways. And yes I don't blame Dr Anesthetist. Because for all the pain I felt in the last 3 hours before childbirth. I had my leg go numb on me for almost 24 hours after childbirth. My right leg was practically rebellious to my command to move. So I was half an invalid for that length of time.

My experience of having a C-section was bad. I really did want an SVD with my first baby. However due to no cervical dilation, big baby problem and fetal distress I had to be cut open. Now I have a scar for both. One on my abdomen and the other down under. I got no fear of the loss of feeling or rubbish people go on about sex after natural delivery. I think that is for stupid people. If two people really love each other. Whatever feeling it is connected with love has nothing to do with lust. So if any husband's complain. Tell them to go to hell. Having a C-section is as painful as an SVD. It is just in different ways. With C-section the pain is after the child birth. It is painful to walk or to lift anything and it last for about a week or two if you are lucky. If you have proper help at home it would be easy. However if you are alone or have a no good husband who thinks you should be up and running then you are in for a shitty time. You can not lift anything heavy, in my case my heavy baby. You worry about your wound opening up. You have difficulty walking. You have difficulty sleeping. You have difficulty sitting. You have difficulty showering yourself. You have difficulty breastfeeding. Oh mio dio. I totally slagged off c-section. Well I am glad it did help me bear my first son but to do it again. I pray never.

Look at what the Stork brought in?

2008-08-24T16:56:00.007+08:00

Raphael Olivin Moosom

Big happy smiles. Finally my handsome son is born. In the evening of the 18th of August, in the year of 2008. I delivered My darling son to this world. He weighed 3.55 kg that day in Likas Hospital, labour room number 5. At about 10 pm we were finally discharged to our Ward bed 18.

As the Doctor placed this precious bundle of joy on my chest for the first time. Covered in vernix and blood. I could not help but feel the happiest I have ever been in my life. I love you my son. Strange that just an hour before that moment, I was cursing and screaming my head away. Wishing I had opted for C-section instead. 28 hours I laboured to bring you into this world. I would not wish that pain on anybody else. Imagine that your hips being reshaped in the span of 24 hours to allow a baby of approximately 10 cm to 15 cm in diameter to go through. Ooooh... very painful indeed. I know other women may have it easier but I think mine was ultimately difficult owing to having had a sporty background. Whatever it is. I did asked for painkillers. In the first 12 hours they gave me pethidine. By the time I was 4 cm dilated, which was 8 am the next day, they allowed me Epidural. However even after the painful administration of Epidural. Only my right hips and leg was anesthetised. So I still felt the pain of labour in my last 6 hours before delivering my son. I was crying for c-section, I was begging to have an operation. Ha ha ha. By that time they checked me and told me I was ready to deliver the baby. I was 10 cm dilated. So my tremendous pain was the crowning, hmmm that is a thought. Good I told myself I passed that and now to PUSH!

Pushed I did with all my might. MOH was there to support, although he did ask to be excused, I appreciate that he did say a few supportive words which worked well on me. The doctors were also good in advising how to push the right way. After 6 pushes my baby's head was out. Next I had an episiotomy. Another 3 pushes, baby was out. Very very very amazing experience.

Contractions? Not yet. This is a day before the Pitosine

Me and my boys. My Kiddo not very happy with My Baby.

Hi, I am your big brother! Wanna play?

My two boys

Jovial and full of life

2008-08-11T14:34:00.006+08:00

I thought about you recently and in my heart I was celebrating the fact that you had soo much of life even towards your old age. I never expected you to leave us so soon (00.45 am 11/08/08). I enjoyed your jovialness and your love for life. The way you would seize the day and just have as much fun as you wanted to.

You were always the life of the party. You treated everyone of all walks of life with the same attitude. Happy and warm. You make people feel they are appreciated and loved. I know Penampang will miss your presence at every "Keramaian" (party). I miss you already.

You remind me of my own Grandma, your Aunty as well. I miss my "Ina". She was strong and decisive. Always had a mind of her own. My Dad did mention that he thinks I have been made similiar to you and Ina. That is an honour I can not take for granted. You were both strong and believed in your ideas. The only difference was that you were more accessible to everyone at any time. I know you would not hesitate to talk to Kings or peasants any time of the day. In fact I love your idea of fun. If I ever grow to be as old as you were I would want to be like you. Jovial and full of life.

Rest In Peace Aunty Tingguning. I know you will have a special place in Heaven. May God Bless You.

The photo below was taken on Tadau Kaamatan 2006. From Joyce's Blog

Look out for a Stork carrying a package for Doc Rogue

2008-07-31T11:16:00.002+08:00

My second son will be arriving tentatively in one week. I am excited. The same questions again.
Epidural vs Etonox vs au naturale?

Natural vs C-sect?

Excitement vs fear of being confined for1 month? Ha ha ha. I try and cheer myself up with the thought of having my "lihing chicken" and a shot of Dom per day. Hmmmm.

Very busy at the moment with trying to wrap up my lectures and any management reports. I hope to take a break soon after my last lecture. Although I still have to set questions for the exams, I think I will have less to worry about. I can not wait to carry my new born in my arms.

I have been looking at new born photos of My Kiddo. Something we do just before we sleep. I keep on telling him that his brother will look like he used to. Small and in need of a lot of care. He gets this excited look and sometimes touches my tummy. Sweeeet!

I pray that everything goes well. I will try to inform as much people as I can by text when the time comes. :) Meanwhile I will continue blogging when I can. I am so excited. So very excited.

The Dark Night

2008-07-19T17:45:00.002+08:00

I went for this movie coz I am a kid at heart and love comic strip movies. When I was in Arndale Centre, Manchester I used to dream that Batman really existed and his Batmobile would be the car he would bring me out on dates with. ha ha ha.

However I was seriously shaken. I was scared and MOH was teasing me that it was just a movie. Honestly it was scary. I love Heath Ledger as much as I love Christian Bale. Both are great actors. However both scared the shit out of me. The Joker was really the Joker as Edgar puts it. He nailed it.

I felt scared for Batman for the first time. I was worried and frankly I went to hide in the toilet in some parts coz I could not take the information in. It was not entertaining for me. MOH loved it. Well he is a man. Me I just got what I did not expect. I wanted my Batman comic strip to come alive on the silver screen. I got more than that. It got into my head. Hmmmm maybe I am pregnant. I promise myself the next movie I watch would be a comedy. Seriously!

What was that I just felt?

2008-07-18T11:34:00.002+08:00

Contractions. That word is a mystery to me. A lot of people had described it. But with my first son I only had the induced version. Which is really extremely painful very quickly.

Apparently in the natural way. Everyone will experience an increase in contraction pain starting from, acceptable to maybe it is a bit painful and progresses eventually to I can't smile and I can't be a nice person because my body is painful.

Yesterday morning I had slight pain in my lower abdomen. It came an went. Lasted for less than 30 seconds each and at intervals of 2 to 4 minutes. But it was not pain to shout about. I knew it was slight. But it worried me a bit. However there is a name for this mild contractions. They call it Braxton Hicks contraction which is due to the tightening of the uterine muscles in preparation of birth. This is not a common occurrence with all mothers but it does happen. It is thought to be the thinning of the cervix. However it is confusing as some expectant mothers might think they are going into labour.

It can be caused by dehydration. It can be relieved by changing position; taking a warm bath or shower; drinking water; resting; or changing activities.

So in conclusion to that weird experience yesterday. I should drink more water and rest more. I am resting today at home. Canceled class today. Hmm I will have to replace it next week. I doubt I am very near to giving birth. I have 3 weeks to go. I just think I am a tired expectant mother who needs a rest. Anyhoo when I do go into labour. I will definitely blog about that.

Another big baby

2008-07-11T16:19:00.002+08:00

I found out yesterday that my baby is now 2.7kg at 36 weeks. Hmmm if I am suppose to gain 500 g per week and half of that goes to the baby. My baby would be 3.7 kg. Oh no.. another big baby. I thought everyone who saw me said my tummy was smaller this time around.

A bit scared and peeved. Sigh* come what may. I just have to watch what I eat. Which I already do. I have guiltily skipped my dinners coz I have been too tired or just want to keep the baby small. Sheesh.

Another Waiting Game.

2008-07-09T13:12:00.003+08:00

Today is the 9th of July, 2008. I am about a month away from delivering my second son. :) I really can not wait.

My first born was soo much easier to carry. This one is really tiring me and exhausting me. Sigh... I am not complaining but I do feel there is a large difference between these two pregnancies. Maybe my youngest son will give me a lot of sleepless nights, maybe he will not be as big as first one. But I promise I will love him equally.

I have been trying to tell My Kiddo that his Li'l Bro is coming soon. I showed him the scanned photo of his bro's feet and hands. Guess what My Kiddo did after he stared at the scan. He gave a kiss to my huge tummy and gave me a smile. Oh it was a sweet sweet sweet moment.

I wonder how hard it will be to keep My Kiddo from hitting his Li'l Bro out of jealousy. I expect him to be jealous, to be displaced and to feel sad. Yet, I hope most of all that he will see how precious and in need his Li'l Brother will be and to want to try his bestest best to be a good older brother. Fingers are crossed. Wish me luck.

Rush Report!

2008-07-07T15:21:00.004+08:00

I have had my rush for a month and a half. I had successfully scratched it thrice. Uwaaaaah.. I am devastated. I noticed the first scratch after sending it for the usual car wash. Hmmm.. never went back to that car wash. The second one was because I answered a phone call from a student who was annoying me. It was out of office hours and my son was very ill. I was rushing to park in front of the clinic. Hmmm. Never going to pick up the phone in dire situations again. The last one was because I had been helping my sister with her assignment because she lasered her eyes and can see much in her healing period. I finished by 4 am and was soo sleepy. Tried to sleep at my parent's house but the electricity went kaput. I decided to go home to my son. As I backed up, I kissed the kelisa's side mirror. Shoot. That happened while tired.

So good advice for myself. Never drive when tired, rushing, worried or send your car to wash to dodgy car washers.

Anyhoo. I finally managed to get my act together and calculate how much mileage the rush does. It was RM0.216 per km. Can you believe that. For 458 km (that is to and fro from Uni to kampung from Monday to Friday and weekend driving). Not bad at all. If you consider 8L/100Km. The merc cost me RM 140 per week and that was with the cheaper cost fuel. Nowadays it cost me RM100 per week with the Rush.

I have also used a few tips for driving with the intent to save on fuel. I was told by Couz Eccentric that one should drive at RPMs lower than 3000. Preferably 2000. I found this to work magically. Furthermore, I personally found out that it is cheaper to avoid rush hour traffic. Slow moving traffic guzzles gas without getting you nowhere. Same as if you were waiting for someone with your engines on. Lastly always look two or three cars ahead. Remove your foot from the fuel pedal, when you see the cars ahead slowing down, ease into a slow glide. Do not stop abruptly. Do not rush to traffic lights. It is safer and cheaper to ease to stop than to quickly accelerate to make that green light.

Anyhoo I summarised these TIPS from a website by a Daviddj

Tip A: Avoid Rush Hour Traffic! Which I found out as well.

Tip B: Keep your RPMs under 3000. Rapid Acceleration wastes gas. Slow and steady acceleration keeps your money in your pocket. You will still end up at the same top speed but less is spent.

Tip C: From Papa John: Regular oil changes will help your gas mileage as friction is reduced with cleaner oil. Maintaining tire air pressure will extend the life of your tire. Better tyre more efficient fuel consumption.

Ouch!

2008-07-07T14:52:00.004+08:00

As for a lot of first year students all over the country, last week must have been an eventful time.

I was soo excited to welcome our new first years. Those eager to learn faces. Hmmm soon to be jaded by the hardship of a very trying course. :)

My excitement changed to wonder and then to disappointment. Do not get me wrong. I do feel passionate about teaching these young adults. However there are a few of those who are a bit Duh! "Oh no not this type of students" I sighed to myself. Why so "Skima wan?" (also known as Kiasu attitude or overenthusiastic). Ouch.

Ha ha ha ha. It brought me back to memories of myself. Maybe I was that student as well. I pause to search of memories of me. Ouch again. I was exactly that type of student. ROFL. No wonder Dr. Eevil called me a geek. Oh well. The whole process of going through a degree will soon smooth that one out. Like it did your's truly. Sigh again.

My excitement is back. Wish I did not have to have 2 months maternity leave (I have my own little one soon to care for). I would love to see these young adults grow. Glad to be here for them now.

Purple and yellow

2008-07-03T09:57:00.001+08:00

I smiled today when I saw a little yellow bird perching on a tree with purple flowers. I love my new room just for that sight.

Panic Frenzy for Oil

2008-06-25T16:42:00.002+08:00

Okay who is to blame for that really really bad timing text message?

Did you bother running to your car and queuing up for gas?

Most Sabahans did and embarrassed themselves on National TV....

I myself can not for the life of me rush and queue to get petrol. Too pregnant, tired, frustrated with the oil prices and government policies. Anything more is going to push me over the edge. I am happy to just sit and think about how my baby will be born. :) yeah I like that.

As I was trying to catch a much needed rest, I got a text from my Kakak the 1st to rush to the gas station to fill up gas before the gas station goes on strike today. I was thinking, no point to go now. The queue would be ginormous (gigantic+enourmous). I would survive another ten days without gas and if I don't have anymore gas I would just stay in the house and not go to work. Not five minutes later a call from a friend. Hmmm thanks for the concern (I love you, please don't be offended if you read this) but I really would have loved an interrupted rest.

I should have turned off my handphone and unplugged the phone line. Guess what was next, the phone rang again a third time. I was almost close to screaming but it was a good news call. I finally got my senior lecturership (with conditions of course! Need to pass my PTK 3 with at least a Band 3). Yahoo. Now I really can not sleep. Gave up on resting and went to the general office. The whole office was in an uproar about getting petrol for their cars. I smiled and quietly walked to the toilet. Why would I want to subject myself to more lost of petrol by queuing up for the gas station. That is a huge waste of gas. Bad for the environment and it MAKES ME SICK to see how people can become soo rude and low. It is an ugly fact that when faced with a sticky situation most people's ugliest side come out.

Which I noticed when I went to get my petrol rebate. I thought I would cut queue by telling the post office teller that I was heavily pregnant and could not stand too long. Except that the people in the queue looked like they could kill me if I did so. Luckily my friend told me to sit and and she would queue up for me. However another queuing person asked "why can't she stand for herself". Aiyooh... I was brimming with frustration at that... he did not even noticed that i was huffing and puffing. Stupid people. Ignorant Malaysians. Very very very rude. When I got to the front my friend told the teller that she was standing for me because I was pregnant. He asked why I had not told him. I explained and he sighed sadly. He said it is so sad that it is actually happening. Money or oil makes people go crazy. He said during the last oil price hike. A man and a woman were having a fist fight because of the petrol. Funny huh.

Sad but funny.

I would like to say to Sabahans. Remember whenever there is a time of difficulty try to calm down and think rationally. Your safety is most important. Furthermore try not to follow the mob reaction because the mob usually does not have a head and that is the recipe for danger. Just be mellow. Unless a bomb is about to hit us. Then calmly look for the safest place to be.

At the age of 10 I remember getting stampeded on because there was a rush out of music class. I think I almost died then. But I learned a good lesson no good rushing or panicking. Just be safe and keep a rational head on.

Moved to room 78

2008-06-25T16:16:00.006+08:00

I finally moved. Although there is practically no aircon here in this room. The central aircon gives just enough so I don't end up sweating like a pig. My thermometer says it is 26.4 degrees C. Ok la. I will work on getting that aircon somehow.

Oh last weekend we went to see my Dad and he had this huge mango. Look at it. The mango is as big as my Kiddo's head... amazing.. It must be sedap.. I can not wait to go over to my dad's to eat the pickled mango. Yummiee
Another new photo of my Kiddo a couple of weeks ago trying to play tennis. Amacam? You think he can be the next famous tennis player?

Spanish Tomato

2008-06-23T14:47:00.002+08:00

Did you guys know that Spain is a big producer of Tomato.

They even have a day in which they just throw tons of tomatoes at each other.

I love tomatoes. Therefore I love Spain.. Ahem.. hahaha

I love tomato and chicken soup.

I love tomato in Tom Yam.

I love tomato Salad. A guy made me a tomato salad once. It was easy to do. Chop tomatoes into cubes, a few leaves of iceberg (or lettuce), sunflower seeds, vinegar and olive oil (however I prefer groundnut oil, it has a lovely nutty smell). Dump them all into a big bowl to mix. Sprinkle a bit of salt, pepper and grated cheddar cheese. YUMMIEEE

Acting my age

2008-06-23T14:37:00.003+08:00

I saw this blogthings on jtuining's website and I thought it would be nice to do.

Surprise surprise.. I am my age.. hahaha.. love it though. At sweet 17 I had made a promise to enjoy each age as it comes and not to try and grow old too fast or stick to staying young too long. Tomorrow is the future, yesterday was history and today is a gift that is why it is called the present. Enjoy your todays as much as you can for you will not be able to find it once it had gone passed you. Do not plan too much for the future for it is not here yet and things might change when it becomes today. So I have always been left with today. No regrets. Been doing things in my life the way I wanted to do things. I have always got what I wanted. However not in the way I planned it but somehow at the end of the day it is what I wanted. Strange, how life is.

13 years later I have done what I have set out to do and I have more to do in this life and more to achieve. This makes me fill up with a sense of hope and happiness.

You Act Like You Are 30 Years Old

You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

You're responsible, wise, and have enough experience to understand a lot of the world.

You're at the point in your life where you understand yourself pretty well.

You are figuring out what you want... and how to get it!

What Age Do You Act?

My Rush to find My Baby Gender

2008-06-23T09:33:00.002+08:00

Two in one story today..

I have not been blogging recently because I am always so tired. Damn. Wish I had superpowers. No feeling of tiredness will ever visit me. I will do a lot of things in half the time. Yahoo.

Anyhoo... I found out that my Rush cost me about RM95 to fill up to full tank this morning. Not bad. I filled it up a week ago today. That is soooo much cheaper that that Junk of a Merc my other half makes me drive to work before. It used to cost me RM20 per day monday to friday. Ha ha ha ha. And that was with the cheaper cost of petrol. Imagine. So glad I got my new car. With the cost of petrol nowadays it pays to have a better fuel consumption.

I drive from Kg to UMS and my milage per day would be around 77Km. That is without the drive to have lunch in KF. Coz since I am preggers now. I find that a lot of lovely friends offer to drive for lunch. Goodie...

Soon I will be investing in more CDs maybe when my YOUNGER SON is 2 months of age I will look for more CDs Deana E. :) Yup.. I have another Son. My Boys will play futsal with their mother. hahahha Cool. I can not wait. I had hopes for a girl but either way it would still be a blessing. I pray that this one will be as healthy as My Kiddo.

That is all for now. Catch you tomorrow when the day is not so blue.

How did they find a Gem of a Guy?

2008-06-12T12:02:00.003+08:00

This blog is not a reference point to give a tried and true method of finding a Gem of a Guy but just a sharing of experience. I have talked to a few friends who had good solid marriages and I summarised what I learned from them in this blog. I wrote it as a continuation to my last blog on why do good girls choose bad boys?

Every time I met a friend who had a very steady and good husband I never failed to ask them how they found these guys.

The first thing they always say is that they never liked their present husbands initially and that they had other choices whom they preferred more. However their present husbands did not give up pursuing them for months or years. These men did not stop showing them how much they were cared for. These men came to visit the family and genuinely tried to show how they appreciate them in front of their families and friends. These men were not self centered. These men would try and know your likes and dislikes. Eventually the genuine care was evident. The bad boys would not be able to hold up against any genuine man because of time and effortlessness. Time will tell the true colours of anyone. Effortlessness comes from a sincere person, a person who loves you truly does not feel that it is an effort to be of service to you, be part of your life or give you attention.

My friends found that the men they would have initially cross out of their list became the main man of their life. I see happiness and harmony in their marriage. I see them having that companion and partner in facing the hardships of life. I see them feeling loved and secure. However one must remember that if one wants a good man one must be a good woman as well.

Take time to discern a person's character. Don't fall in love too quickly. Don't eliminate people just because you think they are not initially attractive to you. Learn to discern between short term efforts and long term efforts.

Peace and quiet?

2008-06-03T12:36:00.008+08:00

Finally over. The month of May was an extremely eventful and exciting month.
From the marking of exam papers (AAAHHHH I kill me), PTK course (hmm okay useful), getting some CD's with a little help from Cuz Environtmentalist, PTK exam (ugh), getting my Rush early (yahoo), My Kiddo reaching 18 months (*smile), cousin popeye's wedding, Ranau trip in my new Rush and Gala night (diabolical food and entertainment).

Hmmm life is full at the end of the Rainbow. I would not have it any other way. I am glad I am alive and I have health. Now peaceful June is here. Time to sit down and rest for a short while. I need to read more papers, write some grants, think of a doctorate study (aiyah!). I am at a blank. Need to do some CQI for LI. Must be done. Hey is it not suppose to be peaceful. Shoot.. no rest for the wicked.

I will need a few days to breath. I feel tired all the time. Another 10 weeks to go before I pop. My baby is kicking more than ever. I love him. He is extremely agile and active. A friend to talk to during the traffic jams. A kid to sing to when I am bored. :)

To sum up the month. Here are a few photos and also a video. Also it is sad that Ringo is Closing. There were so much good memories on that site.

The craving I had at 6 months.. VEDABLU RUM AND RAISIN.
My Kiddo the future MPKK. :)

My Kiddo and his groupie
Me sis and me rush! yowzaaaaaaa...

And my Kiddo trying to copy The moves of The Late James Brown

A call from an unfamiliar person...

2008-05-21T20:54:00.003+08:00

The salesman called me yesterday and when his name appeared at first I was surprised and wondered who this person was. Then a chill ran through me cause it dawned on me that my car was here. Oh my God! Thank you. Thank you. I am just so excited. I could not stop screaming. I will be able to drive my car by this Friday. Can you believe it? My car is 2 months early. God must love me very much. I thank him for His grace over and over again.

I am so happy, I am over the moon about this. I am thinking of my new car registration number. I think I found the perfect one. Hopefully I get it. We shall see. Everything is done. The loan agreement has been signed, the downpayment cleared, insurance set and lastly the car registration number. Oooh. I am so happy.

Come to mama baby rush. This news came to me on the eve of my PTK exam. How did I manage to concentrate in studying. I tell you eeet wuzzzz veeerry ard. Ha ha ha ha. I just kept on repeating to myself if I do not want to suffer paying for the monthly cost of the car I should really score a Band 4 for this exam, I grew to become sooo stressed. Mrs Telipok said to me this morning, "you look stressed". I was. Hmmm very very stressed. My baby kept on kicking inside of me. My body ached everywhere. I could not retain any information at all. I felt like my brain was a sieve. However I regained some kind of fighting spirit and did not give up. I practiced all morning up the the exam time at two pm. My exam finally ended at five. I was so relieved. It is all over. I survived. I still have to write my reports but I should rest now. :)

I did it and my rush is rushing to me.
There is no better feeling than this.

The longest 10 minutes of my life.

2008-05-21T20:17:00.000+08:00

Frying chicken wings and blanching kailan

Good morning, friends, panel judges and countrymen, lend me your ears. I think everyone here would NOT say no to a “fried chicken wing”. It definitely taste “finger licking good”. However most of us are aware that it has a high amount of oil content which is bad for our health. Excess fat consumption can contribute to obesity, coronary heart diseases and perhaps some types of cancer. This brings my talk to certain points that I do not think you know.

Did you know that the action of frying chicken wing not only make it safer to eat, taste and smell better but can actually improve the nutrient contents of it? Yes it does. Believe me, I teach the subject.

The frying action actually causes the outside of the chicken wing to crust over. This is due to the Maillard reactions with amino acids. The protein structure changes. The outside of the chicken wing hardens, sealing the nutrients within the meat. Therefore there is a high amount of nutrients within the meat. Nevertheless the fat content of a fried chicken wing is higher than chicken wing cooked using other methods. This is due to oil absorption and entrainment. The unhealthiness of a fried chicken wing can be decreased by using new oil for frying. Reused oil would be absorbed and entrained more in the chicken meat.

It is also interesting to note that the amount of nutrients in the chicken wing would be increased due to oil soluble vitamins. These oil soluble vitamins will be absorbed by the chicken wing together with the oil. These oil soluble vitamins are vitamins A, D, E and K.

In addition to that, fried chicken wings are usually consumed shortly after frying. This helps reduce the amount of nutrient losses. So ladies and gentlemen, remember not to try and keep fried chicken to be consumed more than twelve hours later. I will add that not only does the amount of nutrient decrease but the amount of the pathogenic microorganism within the meat also increases. Keeping fried chicken wings in the freezer will not destroy any of these pathogenic microorganism. It will only send these pathogenic microorganisms into hibernation. As soon as the chicken wing is taken out of the fridge or freezer, the amount of pathogenic microorganism will increase. Remember keeping the chicken wing in the fridge or freezer will not stop the decrease of nutrients.

Thus it is best to decrease our consumption of fatty food and increase consumption of the vegetables. Blanched kailan is a very healthy food.

Mencelur sayur 'kailan' adalah satu cara yang disukai ramai di kalangan kaum Cina. Ini adalah satu cara pemasakkan yang sangat sihat. Mencelur sayur kailan boleh membersihkan habuk dari permukaan sayur, memusnahkan mikroorganisma patogenik, meningkatkan rasa dan menjadikan warna hijau lebih terang.

Kita semua sedia tahu bahawa, penceluran sayur 'kailan' juga akan melembutkan sayur. Pada peringkat mikroskopik, sel-sel sayur kailan akan menjadi lembut akibat dari tindakan haba. Tetapi saya pasti tuan-tuan dan puan-puan tidak tahu bahawa warna hijau sayur yang bertambah terang selepas dicelur adalah disebabkan oleh tindakan haba. Ini adalah kerana poket udara yang terletak di bawah permukaan kulit sayur kailan telah dipaksa keluar oleh tindakan haba. Dalam pada itu tanpa poket udara di bawah permukaan kulit sayur kailan, gelombang pantulan cahaya diubah dan menjadikan warna hijau lebih hijau.

Sehubungan itu cara memasak ini mengakibatkan pengurangan jumlah nutrien yang banyak. Ini disebabkan nutrien-nutrien sayur kailan mudah serap ke dalam air, dan sel-sel kailan yang telah menjadi lembut tidak lagi mampu menyimpan nutrien-nutrien di dalam sel-selnya.

Kita harus ingat bahawa dalam penceluran sayur kailan, kita harus peka kepada kombinasi masa dan suhu pemasakkan untuk mengurangkan kehilangan nutrien-nutrien tetapi cukup memadai untuk memusnahkan mikroorganisma yang patogenik.

Sebagai rumusan kepada pembentangan saya pada pagi ini, saya ingin menasihatkan para hadirin untuk makan makanan yang seimbang, lebihkan sayur-sayuran dalam diet anda dan kurangkan makanan yang berlemak tinggi.

WOW that was a definitely exhausting long 10 minutes. The longest 10 minutes of my life. It is my public speaking speech for my PTK. I never realised how agonising 10 minutes can be until I had to stand up in front of a panel of 3 judges and my friends. Hopefully I never have to do this again. We were required to give a 10 minutes speech in English and Malay. Five minutes exactly for each. I had to improvise on both accounts. Hmmm I am glad I survived that. It was pure torture.

The Apple of My Eye

2008-05-15T20:08:00.002+08:00

Me and the Apple iPhone. I already see it in my hands. Hmmm... (hoping that "the secret" laws of attraction works).

First and foremost the iPhone is an electronic organizer or daytimer. Other types of organiser can be more expensive than this. I have always needed an electronic organiser but I need to save money as I have mentioned earlier and using paper and pen looked the economical. Yet after two years of working, I have learned that time flies by you so quickly and a yearly diary runs out too quickly. I lose so much information and I do not have the time to transfer all my information from one book to another. Which will be solved if I get myself an electronic organiser.

On top of that "the iPhone have combined three products—a revolutionary mobile phone, a widescreen iPod® with touch controls, and a breakthrough Internet communications device with desktop-class email, web browsing, searching and maps—into one small and lightweight handheld device."

It is a dream for me. Suits my lifestyle u see.. I work, I need self organisation and I want to be on the internet as well as listen to songs wherever and whenever. Furthermore, it is like a mini computer, I can compose letters or parts of a paper. Do basic spreadsheeting. I can always answer my emails at airports or on the trains when I am travelling (for I foresee myself having to do this in the near future for a long time). It does not hurt that it has a camera, but I prefer a proper camera for those. I appreciate that it is useful in viewing photos. Coz I love to look at photos of my Kiddo and future Baby when I am taking a break from work. Yikes I sound like a Yuppie Mother that's an oxymoron if there was ever one. Oh and you can view movies on this 3.5inch screen. Yahoo.

This item does have it's disadvantages you know. Like you can only have songs on it if you have an iTunes account (I dont care I can get an iTunes account it will not kill me). Apparently the internet connection is slow (Hmm worrying). The price is too high (it is cheaper than the normal organizer). The last snag is that it is the first of its kind, usually they need a few to smooth over these creases.

Hmmm.. I will dream on.. maybe I will get that BAND 4 for this PTK exam. *wink*wink Then I will get that pay increase. Hmmm... and waiting is always good. Maybe the price will go lower or the next version of iPhone will be better. Who knows.

My Christmas and Birthday wish!

2008-05-12T10:47:00.005+08:00

It would be to early to state this but I am all ready to get my hands on this hot baby from Apple.

I have been keeping my eyes close from the moment I decided to become a mother of two. Let's face it children cost a lot. This is why, I have not purchased anything electronic since 2006 except for my laptop (which is important for work), and it is now 2008. Poor me... I am a techie girl gone on a diet. I need new techie stuff to keep me vibrant and alive. LOL. Okay I am exaggerating. I can live without these gadgets but what is a Sagi Techie girl suppose to do? I can hear myself singing the Janice Joplin song "Oh lord won't you buy me an Apple iPhone, my friends all have cool phones, mine's from the last ICE AGE. Worked hard all my life time, no help from my other half", ha ha ha ha.

Oh well, a girl can have her dreams and wishes. A mother needs to put her wants and need aside. Hmmmm... aw.... I will keep on dreaming. It never hurt anybody. Maybe if I save on shopping for clothes and shoes this year. Wait I don't buy those either. Hmmm Maybe there will be a big bonus for government servants this year. Yahoo. :) But then again with the present problems and government over expenditure on a trip to Space. I doubt it.

It will remain a dream unless My God would hear my prayers. :)

Happy Mother's Day!

2008-05-09T16:24:00.002+08:00

To all Mothers. Happy Mother's day.

I heard from the radio that there was a research done on how much a Mother should get paid if there was something like that. They should get 30K per year. That is for being a cook, house cleaner, carer and at times a psychologist. :)

It is hard. I work but I also feel for the mothers who are homemakers. I salute you. I cared for my very sick son for one week at home and the work just does not end for mothers.

I am not belittling working mothers for running away from the original responsibilities. I am one myself. I am just saying we should appreciate each other wherever we may be.

A mother is a lover to the husband, a house cleaner, a laundry person, a cook, a dishwasher, a carer, a milk making machine, a seamstress, a first aider, a counselor, a giver of life, a DIY expert, and in our some places usually the Breadwinner.

Thank you moms for having superhuman strength to do all these. If your kids are still young and nobody thought of giving you a nice Mother's Day. Do it yourself. Bring yourself to the saloon, have a treat, a massage, a facial, go shopping, eat ice-cream (Vedablu.. nice rum and raisin for those having a tendency for alcohol.. like me), buy yourself a cake or that pair of shoe. But above all, don't stay at home and fret. Smile and love yourself because you are special. :)

300 +10

2008-05-09T15:59:00.002+08:00

I finished the 310 exam papers yesterday. Yahoo. Guess what? I went through 2 red pens. Luckily I had spares. Hah. Today I have to start on my next 44 for another subject. Ugh.. but this one should be more fun. There are subjective questions mixed with calculations. :) Wish me luck.

I have been working myself so hard this week. My body aches everywhere. 8 hours a day marking 40 papers per day, I feel it. My hands are cramp. My legs hurt. My lower abdominal hurts. It is hard for me to walk. I feel like I jogged a marathon or just finished climbing Mount K.

Prof Andy Lydiatt would say, plug on. :)